Friday, May 15, 2009

I think I can do better than that.

A respected British music journalist, Johnny Sharp, has come up with a book called Crap Lyrics, due out June 1st. In it, he lists the worst offenders against music lyrics of all time. Here are his top five:

#4: Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me - "you got the peaches, I got the cream"
#3: Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man - "Now you see this one-eyed midget shouting the word 'now'And you say, for what reason? And he says, 'how?'And you say, what does this mean? And he screams back, 'you're a cow'Give me some milk or else go home."
#2: America - Horse With No Name - "After nine days, I let the horse run free 'cos the desert had turned to sea. There were plants and birds and rocks and things ..."
#1: Steve Miller Band - The Joker - "Really love your peaches wanna shake your tree. Lovey dovey lovey dovey lovey dovey all the time. Ooh yeah baby I'll sure show you a good time"

With all due respect, I think I can do better. Frankly, being a British journalist, there is a good chance that Sharp has not heard a lot of Canadian music, therefore I don't expect him to include stuff like this:

Trooper - "who do they think they are? And where did they get that car" - The Boys In The Bright White Sports Car (Woody's favourite bad lyric ever)
Kim Mitchell - "Might as well go for soda, it's better than slander" - Go For Soda
Terry Jacks - "But the stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach" - Seasons In The Sun
The Tragically Hip - "And when the sunlight hits the olive oil, don't hesitate" - My Music At Work
Loverboy - "I'm even on my knees, makin love to whoever I please" - Turn Me Loose

I will also excuse Mr. Sharp for excluding, for the most part, rap lyrics (although I do see that he has an unidentified Black Eyed Peas tune in his top ten, which I can only assume is "My Humps" - good). But here are a few worth mentioning:

50 Cent - "If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like some of my friends?" - 21 Questions
Sisqo - "Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what" - The Thong Song
Dr. Dre - "Never let me slip, 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'" - Nothin' But A G Thang
Mase - "Young black and famous, with money hangin' out the anus" - Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

And finally, I will excuse Mr. Sharp for exclusing novelty albums by celebrities. Although it's tough to touch some of these lyrics for sheer idiocy:

The Macho Man Randy Savage - "They call you Hollywood (hugh hugh) don't make me laugh, Cuz your movies and your actin' skills are both trash, your movies straight to video the box office can't stand, while I got myself a feature role in Spider Man" - Be A Man (does anyone remember Macho Man's "feature role" in Spider Man?)
Steven Seagal - "Woke up this morning. I looked to the left." - Gunfire At The Juke Joint
The Macho Man Randy Savage - "Are y'all ready, are y'all ready, are y'all ready, are y'all ready (yeah)Are y'all ready, are y'all readyI don't think they're ready (uh uh) (nah) (no, uh uh)You all ain't ready for this (huh)" - R U Ready
Steven Seagal - "She want the buddy, him want the poonani, and me know it nice" - Strut
The Macho Man Randy Savage - "Don't make me mad dude the Macho Man's about to explode, You bad and bold (hugh) you're travelin on a rocky road" - Get Back

Okay. That's it for now. Gotta go, Go For Soda is on the radio!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A plea for pizza.

OK. I'm going to say this only once, as I believe it needs to be said. Gabriel's Pizza has made us an offer we can't refuse. They are partering with us to help out the Doc And Woody Fund, and at the end of this month they will be launching the "Doc And Woody" pizza. One dollar from each medium and two dollars from every large "Doc And Woody" pizza ordered will go to the Doc and Woody Fund for the operating rooms at CHEO. This is great. However, it has sparked an inordinately complex and contentious discussion about what, exactly, ought to go on that pizza. There is a section in the CHEZ nation where people can vote on the toppings they would like to see on their pizza, and people have been voting.

This is not working. We had a meeting yesterday morning, and the top three toppings, as chosen so far by the CHEZ nation, are pepperoni, mushrooms and green peppers. BIG WHOOP. So, not only has the CHEZ nation chosen, (so far) the most boring pizza imaginable, they have also chosen the one pizza everyone already has on their menu. To "create" a Doc and Woody pizza does not mean re-naming an existing Gabriel's Pizza menu item. I means creating one. Not only that, but chosing based on votes is silly. What if half the people love pineapple, and the other half love green pepper? You just can't put those two things together and make a pizza work.

However, I am willing to work within this framework, as long as it achieves the desired results - a NEW pizza, one that is delicious, and one that people might want to order, but one that does not already exist. So here is my plea. I order from Gabriel's a lot. Because it is the best pizza, and I'm not just saying that because they are the sponsor here. It really is. You don't need extra cheese on a Gabriel's pizza, because it is already loaded with tasty cheese. You don't need to go all thin-crust hotiy toity, because the standard crust is excellent. When I order from Gabriel's, I order this: Chicken strips, bacon strips and green olives. That's it. And it is magnificent. So here is my proposal: Go vote, and make chicken bacon and green olives the top three toppings. And we all go home happy. Seriously, do it now, right here.

Toys For Boys 10

And a good time was had by all...I love the fact that we're holding these events at Philthy McNasty's now. It means good food, beer, and a decidedly more informal but more intimate atmosphere. I met many of the listeners I meet at all these events, and had some good conversations with Hans, Sean, and dozens of others. I also had a good burger. If you're at Philthy's, I highly recommend the Prime Minister Burger - it's as big as Stephen Harper's head, and twice as delicious. Congratulations to Caroline Homsy, the big winner in this tenth Toys event - you can check out a ton of photos from the night here.

Over the course of the contest, I got to hang out at Gearhead, Bushtukah, and Philthy's, and big thanks to all the people at all those places who made me feel welcome. Great stores, great restaurant - and big thanks to Mark from Performance Mazda for entertaining my girlfriend all night at the Toys For Boys party. In the meantime, I talked to a ton of people who seem to think I've got a keeper. $50 fora wedding dress? Solid, they said. Sure, I had to go to a cake-tasting event on Monday. With a lovely woman named Judy who does some lovely cakes. And I got ribbed for that a fair amount. After all - the cake isn't for me, or my girlfriend. Everyone else is eating it. So what do we care how it tastes? (In the end, I chose at least one flavour, for the three-part cake, assuming no one will eat it and I can take it home.)

Randall and I managed to watch the hockey game on the TV above the Toys For Boys stage, because Boston was going to force a game 7 and that was important. I lost a trivia contest to the biggest Who fan in Ottawa outside - the name of the band, in correct order, went from the Detours to The Who to the High Numbers to The Who. Just so you all know. Anyway, congratulations once again to Caroline, we'll be talking to her this morning!

New Bob Dylan video

It's kind of hard to watch, because of the graphic depictions of domestic abuse, but it's very good. Bob Dylan teamed up with IFC to make a video for his song "Beyond Here Lies Nothin'", and the video will be on IFC several times today. It's basically a short film set to his song, and it's powerful. You can check it out online here.