Friday, May 15, 2009

I think I can do better than that.

A respected British music journalist, Johnny Sharp, has come up with a book called Crap Lyrics, due out June 1st. In it, he lists the worst offenders against music lyrics of all time. Here are his top five:

#4: Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me - "you got the peaches, I got the cream"
#3: Bob Dylan - Ballad Of A Thin Man - "Now you see this one-eyed midget shouting the word 'now'And you say, for what reason? And he says, 'how?'And you say, what does this mean? And he screams back, 'you're a cow'Give me some milk or else go home."
#2: America - Horse With No Name - "After nine days, I let the horse run free 'cos the desert had turned to sea. There were plants and birds and rocks and things ..."
#1: Steve Miller Band - The Joker - "Really love your peaches wanna shake your tree. Lovey dovey lovey dovey lovey dovey all the time. Ooh yeah baby I'll sure show you a good time"

With all due respect, I think I can do better. Frankly, being a British journalist, there is a good chance that Sharp has not heard a lot of Canadian music, therefore I don't expect him to include stuff like this:

Trooper - "who do they think they are? And where did they get that car" - The Boys In The Bright White Sports Car (Woody's favourite bad lyric ever)
Kim Mitchell - "Might as well go for soda, it's better than slander" - Go For Soda
Terry Jacks - "But the stars we could reach were just starfish on the beach" - Seasons In The Sun
The Tragically Hip - "And when the sunlight hits the olive oil, don't hesitate" - My Music At Work
Loverboy - "I'm even on my knees, makin love to whoever I please" - Turn Me Loose

I will also excuse Mr. Sharp for excluding, for the most part, rap lyrics (although I do see that he has an unidentified Black Eyed Peas tune in his top ten, which I can only assume is "My Humps" - good). But here are a few worth mentioning:

50 Cent - "If I went back to a hoopty from a Benz, would you poof and disappear like some of my friends?" - 21 Questions
Sisqo - "Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what" - The Thong Song
Dr. Dre - "Never let me slip, 'cause if I slip, then I'm slippin'" - Nothin' But A G Thang
Mase - "Young black and famous, with money hangin' out the anus" - Can't Nobody Hold Me Down

And finally, I will excuse Mr. Sharp for exclusing novelty albums by celebrities. Although it's tough to touch some of these lyrics for sheer idiocy:

The Macho Man Randy Savage - "They call you Hollywood (hugh hugh) don't make me laugh, Cuz your movies and your actin' skills are both trash, your movies straight to video the box office can't stand, while I got myself a feature role in Spider Man" - Be A Man (does anyone remember Macho Man's "feature role" in Spider Man?)
Steven Seagal - "Woke up this morning. I looked to the left." - Gunfire At The Juke Joint
The Macho Man Randy Savage - "Are y'all ready, are y'all ready, are y'all ready, are y'all ready (yeah)Are y'all ready, are y'all readyI don't think they're ready (uh uh) (nah) (no, uh uh)You all ain't ready for this (huh)" - R U Ready
Steven Seagal - "She want the buddy, him want the poonani, and me know it nice" - Strut
The Macho Man Randy Savage - "Don't make me mad dude the Macho Man's about to explode, You bad and bold (hugh) you're travelin on a rocky road" - Get Back

Okay. That's it for now. Gotta go, Go For Soda is on the radio!


  1. ...might as well go for a soda.
    Always a good time to get drunk and rock some Mitchell!

  2. With your reputation as a Rush hater, I'm surprised not to see any of their lyrics on your list. Pleasantly surprised, that is, as I myself am a big fan of Rush.

    But I must say thank you for calling out Trooper and Kim Mitchell. How anybody can stand to listen to either of them is beyond me.

  3. "Love in an elevator, Living it up while I'm going down"

    ...the last poster is right - Rush's terribly constructed lyrics deserve more attention in this contest