Friday, October 26, 2007

Rocky Horror Picture Show

I was amazed when Kim, from Operation Go Home, whispered in my ear. I was hosting the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Bytowne last night, it was 9:20, and I had just given away a gift card to Trivium, a store in the Rideau Centre. Trivium was our major sponsor for the evening, so I thanked them profusely, then realized I have no idea what they were. Off-mic, I whispered to Kim "who are they?" She whispered back "our major sponsor tonight". I whispered again "I get that. But who ARE they? What do they sell?" Once more she whispered "they're a golf store". I was stricken. A golf store? I had not expected that. The Rocky Horror Picture Show, brought to you by Golf Town, The Pottery Barn, Le Biftheque and Season Eleven of seemed very incongruous.

You see, this was not really the golf-and-IKEA crowd. I arrived at the Bytowne last night at about 8:45, and I was already decidedly late. I thought that no one would be let in until 9:00, and I had some time, but there were rows and rows of people filing past me as I rushed inside. I left my girlfriend and her girlfriend in the car at the Mac's next door while I ran in to find out where to park. Fortunately, Chris Day (of CTV fame - yes, I'm a huge name-dropper) was there, and offered to park my car for me since I was already considerably behind the 8-ball on this one. I created quite the scene as I tore off my street clothes in the lobby of the Bytowne to reveal a truly glorious Sweet Transvestite costume underneath. I rummaged through my bag, coming out very quickly with the requisite pearls and quasi-Tim-Curryish wig, and soon I was good to go.

There was a competition, you see, to see who could raise the most money forOperation Go Home through their cross-dressing abomination of a costume. Either myself, or the director of Operation Go Home. He was already there, and had a serious leg up on me, so to speak. And I must say, his costume was a thing of beauty. The makeup was just right, and the rest of the costume WAS much more authentic than mine. I certainly had him beat in the shoes department. Many years ago, I purchased the last pair of size-15 women's high-heel shoes at the Payless in Bayshore, and no one has been able to find shoes of a similar size since. They hurt my feet considerably, because they are still way too small, but they were certainly better than his flip-flops! In the end, I don't know who won, but we both raised a good amount of cash and we both posed for an awful lot of pictures. I'm hoping some of the people send me the photos so I can post them here, but it was a late night and I don't expect to have them any time soon.

The event itself is a memorable one. Guys - if you dig the goth thing, even a little (and there is a place inside me that is really into dark eye makeup and fishnet arm bands - I don't quite know why, but it's there) this is a fantastic place to meet dozens upon dozens of wonderful young hotties dressed to the nines as gothish as you are likely to see without getting creeped out. Which brings me back to the whispering. I apparently mis-heard, and Trivium is NOT a golf store, it is a goth store. Very similar, really.

Operation Go Home is a fantastic organization, doing some really good and important work in Ottawa, and I will have a total amount of money raised very soon, I hope. Until then, more information on them and their good works is available at

Two Nipples and Two Nobs.

When someone has a genuine phobia of something, what would possess a person to poke at that phobia without any regard to the effect such action might have on the other persons' psyche? I think Doc and Woody might actually need a psychiatric evaluation at some point, thinking it was a good idea to go after my nipples. I HATE having my nipples touched. In fact, I hate it so much that I recently wrote a blog about it. These sadists clearly read that blog, and they decided to go after the spot where I am weakest. It is true. I would rather be tagged in the junk than have my nipples touched.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show was last night, and I was dressed up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter, which explains my get-up in the video that follows Doc decided to duct tape me to the chair, and then go after my nipples. You can see in the video that I am making a serious effort to just "take it like a man", or, as my get-up would suggest, "take it like a sweet transvestite". I tried very hard not to go after Doc's jugular, because I really don't like hurting people. However, you can clearly see that he is afraid of such an action, as he is miles away with his paint brush as he applies Vick's Vapo-Rub. I really tried to tough it out, and not break free of my duct tape prison to go on the attack. However, when I freaked out and fell over in the chair, you can clearly see that had I forgotten myself, I could quite easily have broken my restraints and injured our show's host in a split second.

It took me quite a while to recover from this. The Vapo-Rub is an unpleasant sensation at the best of times, but on my ridiculously-sensitive nipple, it does not come off that easily. I have trouble washing my nipples at the best of times. I can't face directly into the shower, because the feel of the water on them bothers me. I need an incredibly soft cloth and I dab with a full palm, and that's all I can do. So I could not wash it off at work, and I could not leave it on, or I would lose it. I held my really offensive top over it for a while, then I could take it no longer. I had to clean it, so I went in the bathroom, gritted my teeth, and forced myslef to wash off the Vicks. That was the most unpleasant part of the whole episode, since I was doing it to myself. I was still very uncomfortable my whole drive home, then I slept it off.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Exciting times in the House of Common.

So, here's what has gone on in Parliament during the past month, as I understand it. Stephen Harper holds a press conference where he states that his throne speech is to be taken at face value, and better damn well be approved. He then says "I'm not scared to have an election. I'll do it. I'll call one. Don't make me call an election. I'm not scared. There'll be an election if you want one. Bring on the election. Don't make me do it." He then carfeully crafts his throne speech to irritate the Liberals and infuriate the NDP, Bloc and Green party, by saying "screw the environment, we hate nature anyway" and "suck my ass, health care". Yet he does not make it quite awful enough to spark an election. The NDP and Bloc vote against it, but the Liberals are looking at the polls, so they don't want to call an election, and the throne speech passes.

So the Liberals back down from the election threat and carefully craft their response so as not to spark an election by making everyone upset and so forth. The Conservatives, now buoyed by their success, start ramming their policies down the throats of those who don't want an election. I actually heard one Conservative party member in a TV interview or something say (I'm paraphrasing here) "no, really. We don't want an election. We are polling really well, and the polls show we might get a majority, but the numbers are not where Mr. Harper would like them to be for an election to be called. But we're not scared. Don't make us call an election. Don't do it. The people don't want an election. If there is one it's your fault. We'll call one. You don't scare us." OK, great. Now, what is being done about Afghanistan? What is happening with our health care system? If we are backing out of our Kyoto commitments, what is happening with the environment? I guess...nothing. Nothing is being done at all, because more time is spent "carefully wording and drafting bills to avoid an election" than is spent "doing actual things".

So, as I understand it, it is the middle of a term here. An election does not need to happen for a long time. Yet every politician in the Liberal ranks, and every politician in the Conservative ranks is treating this point in time as though it IS election season. And they want to make it very clear that if an election is sparked due to a vote of non-confidence, it was caused by the other party, and therefore it is their fault that we have to go back to the polls, and I know you Canadians hate voting!

What these idiots fail to realize is that the main reason Canadians hate elections is not that we have to leave the house and walk to a polling station, or that Dancing With The Stars is interrupted for CTV's eleven-hour election night coverage. The reason we hate elections is that DURING an election campaign, it becomes pretty clear that NOTHING AT ALL is getting done in Parliament. Nothing important happens, no decisions are made, every action taken by a politician has more to do with electioneering than it does with running the country. Well, call your damn election already! That's EXACTLY what's happening right now!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Jeff Brown is still alive!

I know Jeff Brown is still alive, because I got an email from him yesterday - he wants to use my blog posting from last year at Hallowe'en on JACK - FM, his new digs, in Toronto. I said that since it is the gospel truth, it is therefore public domain, and by all means help yourself. But I thought perhaps I should elaborate on that blog posting, update things for this year. Basically, I was making things easier for the single guys out there to get some at their Hallowe'en parties. It is all based on which costume a girl is wearing. Hallowe'en is terrific because it allows girls to dress up as slutty as possible without actually BEING slutty. And they do! And for a few, it means one night of actually BEING slutty when otherwise they wouldn't, which is terrific as well. It has nothing to do with whether you know them, or what is happening at the time, the costume tells you everything you need to know. For example:

1. The "sexy cat". Steer clear of the sexy cat. She may be terrific, she may even be good to go, but she likely has a thing for cats. And kitties. And puppies and all things soft. Therefore, she is likely that girl with a ton of Anne Geddes photos on her walls at home, and she may perceive your one night of Hallowe'en inspired frolicking as more than just one night's Hallowe'en inspired frolicking. Which is OK, if you want to keep going with that, but no good if all you want is one night's Hallowe'en inspired frolicking.

2. The "naughty nurse". Terrific. The girl who puts on the "naughty nurse" uniform knows full well that many a porno scene has begun with a naughty nurse baring her cleavage and administering a spongebath or checking another girl's rectal temperature or what have you. Therefore, she is fully aware of the effect she has on guys, and she will respond very well to the cheesy porn lines we all know by rote..."you've got my pulse racing, can you check it for me"...and so forth. Also be on the lookout for the sassy librarian, the button-down-suit secretary, and the pizza delivery girl.

3. The "witch". This girl may well be a little goth, but rarely shows it until today. And if you respond to that goth-ness, perhaps she will be flattered simply to have the attention, and she will feel as though that part of herself is finally coming out, and it is attractive to others! If she is wearing the witch costume, you may have to continue role-playing all night long, but is also very easy to get her thinking about playing the dominatrix later on. Which brings me to this -

4. The "dominatrix". No! Not as hot as it seems! Why? Because this woman is advertising something that she does not actually have for sale. She wants to put on the suit, so she can feel as though she is dominating men all night long. But that's the key - she wants to DOMINATE you, not SLEEP with you. And how does a woman dominate men all night? By giving you the impression that she WANTS to sleep with you, ensuring that you ignore all other opportunities for the rest of the night, and then NOT sleeping with you. You're evening is ruined, consider yourself dominated!

5. The "red devil". This one is a go. A gimme, a slam dunk, a shoo-in, hands down the girl to single out. I have been to many many Hallowe'en parties, and without exception, it is the girl in the red devil costume that is going home with someone that night. That is because the red devil is not just saying "I want to be naughty, and I want to be spanked until my bum is as red as this costume", she is SCREAMING it! She is advertising, you are the consumer. Go for it!

There are some of my tips, hope they work out for you. But don't do what a friend of mine did when I explained this system once before. I first devised the system in 2000, and it has worked with absolute 100% accuracy ever since. And in 2002, I explained the system to a bunch of guys before we went out to a party. I came back with a witch, another guy with a nurse, another guy with some kind of dolphin, two guys had gone to some red devil's house, and Ryan came back alone, because he had a girlfriend. Now, this was commendable of him, but what happened next sort of defied description. His girlfriend was going to school in Nova Scotia. he got home from the bar, and they were doing the instant messenger thing. In the middle of the night, I heard him swear, really loudly. Then there was a twelve-minute all-out yelling match between him and his girlfriend on the phone! Apparently, she had told him about this really cute costume she had for her residence Hallowe'en party...this fantastic red devil costume! He flipped out. But how does one explain WHY they're angry in a situation like that? He tried, but it was to no avail. He was furious, she was perplexed...and furious. Now, a few years later, they are no longer together.

Week Eight in the NFL.

I know very few people actually care about this, and anyone who pays attention does not use my NFL skills to make their picks, but I like to have this blog as a record of my picks, and I am too lazy and fogetful to write them down somewhere at home. And at least two people read this, so that's good enough for me.

Week 8:

Indianapolis - Carolina: Although the Panthers are coming off a bye, and should be stronger the second half of the season, Indy looked way too good in their dominant win over Jacksonville. That was a statement game, and they have no reason to let up until the New England game, so I take Indy.

Chicago-Detroit: God, who knows? This could very easily be a blowout for EITHER team, and it could also end 6-3 with a last second field goal. Both teams have been Jekyll and Hyde this year, but I am taking the Bears because they seem to be able to find a way to win even in games they shouldn't. The fact that they're at home means a very little, also.

Pittsburgh - Cincinnatti: The Bengals offence looks like it has found it's groove. Their defence, still suspect. Pittsburgh absolutely stunned me by losing to Denver last week, and I don't really know where this team is at right now. But I think this might snap the Steelers out of any sense of complacency, and give them the motivation they need to come out with a big effort against Cincinnatti. I am taking the Steelers.

New York Giants - Miami: This game seems obvious on the surface - the Giants have won five in a row, the Dolphins have lost every game. But Miami is coming off a truly terrible beating at the hands of the Patriots, and who knows how they will respond? Also, this is one of those showcase games in London England, and it may well depend on which team handles the travel better. Still taking New York, but this could be the upset of the week.

Minnesota - Philadelphia: The Vikings look fairly strong, with Adrian Peterson running so well. The Eagles look like they are able to lose many a game they should have won. I am taking the Vikings.

Cleveland - St. Louis: Maybe the worst game of the week. St. Louis is getting stronger, and this could easily be their first win of the year. I am not going to pick the Rams to win until they actually do. Cleveland.

Tennessee - Oakland: The Raiders are dreadful. Tennessee is starting to notice how good they are. The Raiders could easily be hammered in this one. They may keep it close, but they will not win.

New York Jets - Buffalo: Also a candidate for worst game of the week. Both teams suck, the Jets are so far removed from that team that won 10 games last year. Buffalo pulled off a major surprise in winning last week, but they never seem to string together two good weeks in a row. The Jets are at home, take the Jets, just by default.

San Diego - Houston: Poor Houston. They seem to catch a lot of teams that are on the upswing, and this week is no exception. San Diego is finally playing like the pre-season Super Bowl favourite they once were. Look out in the second half of the season, the Chargers are all of a sudden for real. I take San Diego.

Jacksonville - Tampa Bay: Tampa looked a little lost last week, and they will be in tough against a Jacksonville team that looked very good for almost two quarters against the buzz saw that is the Colts. The Jaguars need to get back on track after their loss last week, and they will in this game. Take Jacksonville.

New England - Washington: Can spreads get big enough to cover Patriots games? Tom Brady throws SIX TD passes against the Dolphins, and looks utterly unstoppable. In every phase of the game, there may not be a team better than New England. Washington, much like every other team until that Colts game, has no chance.

New Orleans - San Francisco: The Saints are looking great. Two wins in a row, and they are suddenly America's Team from last year again. The Niners are slipping, and that slide will continue against the resurgent Saints.

Green Bay - Denver: The Broncos all of a sudden look really good, beating the Steelers last week against all odds and clever prognostication on my part, but I am not convinced they are that good yet. The all-aerial attack of the Packers faces the all-pass defence of the Broncos, and I don't know how well either will do. I am, however, convinced that Green Bay has a very good defence, and on the strength of that defence, I am taking the Pack.

There we go. Now I know who I picked in the office pool, which I am STILL leading by the way.

Last golf of the year?

Doc and Woody and I went out to Kanata Lakes yesterday for the best golf day of the year. What a beautiful afternoon it was! Doc had been cursed by one of our listeners earlier, and the curse seemed to work. The listener said that he hoped Doc's little white ball wouldn't make it into the hole, that the hole would close up and that he would have a bad day of golf. Well, it was a great day, but Doc did not play very well, by his standards. And on even the shortest of putts, the hole did appear to close up, and Doc's ball lipped out many many times.

I, on the other hand, having defended this voodoo listener, seemed to have excellent luck with the cup. I have never putted so well in my life, and I sunk every putt I had within about ten feet. Of course, one-or-two-putting for me was not enough to save my game, since I had to chip three, four, sometimes six times just to get on the green to begin with. I can never put together a complete game. Sometimes I am driving very well, hitting all my fairway woods and irons fantastic, and I can't putt to save my life. This time I was driving decent, couldn't hit my fairway woods to save my life, hit my irons fantastic, putted fantastic, but couldn't do anything at all when I was within 100 yards of the hole. Stupid game.

The big highlight for me (aside from the time I parked my cart in front of my ball, then hit the cart with my shot) was when Woody, on the second shot of the game, squarely hit a tree that was six yards in front of him, with such a hard shot that the ball seemed to come back at him faster than it left the club. Came very close to braining himself, and I think the reason was that he defended Doc, and took sides against the listener with the cursing abilities. My bad play, however, was not due to any curse, it was due to my lack of ability. And even though I was lights-out putting, I still lost to Doc. Then I said "wait 'til next year!"

NFL picks...the recap.

Trust Doc to pull out some of the fabled Rain Man skills on the one week where I was excellent in the CHEZ pool. I had 101 points, my best week of the season, and Doc had...108. Tremendous. But I did very well straight up also, going 11-3 on the week.

The ones I got right: Tennessee DID just squeak by Houston. Thanks to Rob Bironas and his record-setting 8 field goals. This was easily the best game of the week, with Houston almost pulling off the third-biggest fourth-quarter comeback in football history. Amazing game. Dallas did win big over the Vikings, covering the spread and winning by 10. The Giants did beat up on the Niners. But I now believe the Giants AND the Redskins have a chance to knock off the Cowboys in that division. The NFC East is the best division in football. New England, New Orleans, Cincinnatti all did what they were supposed to do - win, beat the spread. And finally, Chicago-Philly. I said stay away from this game, I think I was right. This really was anyone's game, and it was only a malfunction in the Bears' headsets that allowed Brian Griese to call his own plays on that last-second drive that gave the Bears the win.

The ones I got wrong: Who would have seen the Broncos beating up on the Steelers like that? This was an absolutely huge upset, and maybe Denver has figured out how to use all their weapons. The Colts won at Jacksonville, as I thought they would, but it certainly was not close, as I thought it would be. It looks like the Colts want to send a message to New England to say "we are for real also". And I was dead wrong about the Ravens looking great. Buffalo is still a bad team, and they took down the Ravens convincingly. So far so good. Until next week!

Monday, October 22, 2007


I finally heard someone utter the word "weirdie" in reference to someone else. As in "you are a weirdie". Well, someone other than Randall Moore! I always thought Randall made the word up, as a sort of affectionate yet insulting term for Doc, suggesting all in one word that Doc is both weird AND diminutive. But I gave Randall too much credit. I now attribute the creation of the word "weirdie" to Ed Wood and his genius movie Plan Nine From Outer Space. The aliens who have come to Earth and re-animated the corpse of a deceased Bela Lugosi use the word when mocking the earthling aiplane pilot. They say "you are a weirdie". By the way, watch Plan Nine From Outer Space any chance you can. And, if possible, under the influence of something mind altering. Not drugs, of course. But maybe a little bit of alcohol, or when you're really dizzy. Plan Nine is my favourite movie right now. It may be the worst thing ever put onto film, even worse, cinematically speaking, than that movie I once found under my parents' bed where they...gotta go. Just watch it.

That's a fine Succubus you've got there.

The Chills For CHEO Crypt of Torment is open now, right beside the CHEO Dream House, and I went this weekend. Many times. When I first showed up, Saturday night, Melanie, the organizer of the event, handed me a microphone and set me right through on my own, so everyone outside could hear me as I passed through. Now, I must admit, although I didn't sound terrified, that is because I had the microphone with me. There is something comforting about talking into a microphone as you pass through something like that, and your voice stays steady and calm regardless of what's being thrown at you. It's why the Blair Witch project was so creepy!

Believe me, this thing is well done. This is the scariest horror-house you will ever attend. The whole thing is actors, people who have given up all their free time for two months of their lives to build, prepare and act in the crypt. So there's none of this step-on-a-button-and-a-skeleton-pops-up type stuff, it's all real people, real scares and real fear! After my first time through, I had to go again, because I had a mini-disc recorder with me. On this morning's Doc and Woody show, we are going to be playing back some screams from the Crypt of Torment, and it was my assignment to get those screams. Melanie found me some screamers, and I went through with two girls who were about 17. And boy, did they scream! Fantastic! This was going to be some great audio for the show! In fact, about six feet from the exit, they broke down completely and wouldn't move! They were sobbing and crying and wouldn't move forward at all, and I got it all on tape!

Well, I decided to go once more with the mini-disc, just to get as much sound as I could. My step-son, Andrew, had brought his buddy Ricky and Ricky's dad. My girlfriend was there too, with her mom, but they refused to go in after seeing the people who came out sobbing. We brought her young son too, but he went through the kids' side, which by the way is excellent as well. Ricky and Andrew were both pretty tough though, and no big screams from them. They just held onto our coats really tight. So I had been through three times, and I thought that was good enough, so I took the boys home.

I got home only to find that for some reason, the mini-disc recorder kept stopping at exactly 1 minute, 10 seconds. Every time I went through. I hadn't recorded any of those great screams, any of the kids' stuff, nothing. So I went back yesterday. This time I recruited girls who were actual employees, and went through twice more. This time I got inside before I started recording, just to make sure - but the same thing! 1:10, it would stop! I had bought new batteries, I made sure everything was working, I had tested it numerous times in the car, and it was working fine! But now - 1:10, and it's over. (This wasn't so bad, because it meant that many times I was walking through with very attractive girls who would then cling to me when they were terrified. I now associate the smell of fear with the smell of hot girls. This might ruin me for life.)

I sent the hottest girl of all, my girlfriend, back to the house last night with a few of her girlfriends. Perhaps they got some good screaming noise. We'll find out this morning. In the meantime, the only place in the crypt - (and I hope I'm not giving too much away here) is by the "succubus". So this is where I kept stopping to check my minidisc player. The succubus is an incredibly hot girl, half-naked and covered in all the right places, strapped to a table asking for help. And this is where I stop to check my recorder. So she thinks there might have been some creepy guy going through there videotaping her in all her half-naked glory. (And she is glorious - but scary.) When I returned yesterday, Melanie had to make sure that I was just recording audio, as I said, and not secretly videotaping her succubus.

These are some terrific people putting on a truly terrifying event for the Doc and Woody Fund for the Operating Rooms at CHEO. The first time I went through, I overheard some people saying "that was totally worth my thirty bucks". I was under the impression they were charging thirty bucks per person for this, but it turns out it was just a generous guy who had made a larger donation. The Crypt of Torment IS worth thirty bucks, and that's why it seemed reasonable to me. It turns out it is only 8 bucks, and 2 bucks for the kids' side. It's not only worth it, that's one of the best bargains you'll get all year. Go! Go now!

Lovin' the PVR!

I have this new Rogers PVR thing, Personal something-or-other. It is a device whereby I can record programs that I don't watch. I get up at 2:00 a.m., therefore I am unable to watch say, the Sunday night football game, or Game Seven of the World Series. But now, I am watching Kevin Youkilis homer to make it 11-2 Boston in Game Seven, and no one has spoiled the ending for me! And now, I have watched my Red Sox make it to the World Series again, just as excited as if I had seen it live. Thank you, Rogers PVR.

Then again, this is maybe the only year I'll ever need it. It's a great year to be a sports fan, at least for me. My Packers have only one loss in six games. My Senators have only one loss in nine games. My Red Sox are in the World Series. My Bombers are struggling, but still in first place in the East. I'm going to start watching basketball and cheering for...the...Spurs? Just so there's a chance I have a clean sweep of all major sports! And by the way, now is the time to be a baseball fan! While the Red Sox comeback from being down 3-1 in the ALCS was impressive, it was not nearly as impressive as the postseason run by their World Series opponents, the Colorado Rockies, who have not lost a single game in the postseason yet this year. Of course, the Bosox will fix that.