Friday, October 5, 2007

Thank God I have fishnets.

In every cloud, there is a silver lining. Well, except for the cloud where I have to get my car's starter replaced. However, I have discovered a silver lining to the whole open-crotch body-fishnet stocking Oscar De La Hoya bit. You see, CHEZ is sponsoring a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Bytowne on October 25th. As host of cynical cinema, I will be there, proudly dressed up in my finest Frankenfurter duds. The showing is taking place to raise money for Operation Go Home, a charity with which I have done lots of work in the past. There are tentative plans right now to have a contest between the director of Operation Go Home and me, to determine who shows up in the best Frankenfurter costume. The winner will be the one who collects the most money for the event, and I now have the fishnet body stocking as a solid jumping-off point. I just need to watch the movie a few more times in order to figure out exactly how to outfit the rest of the costume. And then figure out which weirdo stores in Ottawa might sell said costume.

I have never been to a theatre screening of Rocky Horror, but I'm excited, since it is one of the few truly interactive movie presentations. The last one of those I attended was "Gigli". I hosted the premiere of that fine piece of cinematic art, and within the first six minutes, people realized how lousy it really was, and started yelling at the screen. Normally, people would give the big shhhh! to those people who were yelling, but this time, they just joined in! "Die, already!" "I know! Why won't he die?" "She should die!" "I know! Die already!" Oh, it was a good time. Maybe the most fun I've ever had in a theatre. Until October 25th. There has not been a screening of Rocky Horror in Ottawa in something like six years, because every time there is one, it gets rowdy, crazy and out of hand. Here's hoping for more of the same in three weeks.

Tickets are 10 bucks apiece, either in advance or at the door, and the money goes to Operation Go Home, a fantastic cause.

For tickets: or call 613-230-4663.

Show up and vote for my Frankenfurter!

I concede defeat...yet again.

I am having a rotten day. Among other things, my car's starter seems to be going. I have to take it in today to get it fixed, which means I either have to wait seven hours in the waiting room with my book, or I have to get a rental car for the day in order to get the things done which I need to do. And from the looks of it, that is a lot of stuff. So, while I'm in a sour mood, I will take this opportunity to make good on a promise I made Doc some time ago. The last two times we played golf, I beat him. Once, I beat him very soundly. The last time, at the Canadian, it came down to the last hole. But I still won. Both times, filled with pride and a sense of self-satisfaction, I wrote about the event in my blog. I promised Doc, on the air, that I would write in my blog all about it if he should ever beat me again. Yesterday, we played the Canadian, bet five bucks, and he won. Here is the blog about it.

It's fall, and the Leaf fans are back.

Leaf fans are a bizarre bunch. And not just Jeff Brown, who seems to be calling us more now than he did when he actually worked in Ottawa. He left an absolutely hilarious series of (possibly drunken) messages on the Doc and Woody answering machine during the opening game of the NHL season, proclaming his delusional belief that the Leafs were going to not only win the game, but go wire-to-wire and win the Stanley Cup this year. Until the game ended and he declared that he hates hockey. This is such a bizarre thing that seems to be the exclusive domain of the Leaf fan. The actual belief that their team will win the big prize at the end of the season, when it is absolutely clear, right away, that they have no chance to do so. No other fans are this rabid and deluded.

I am a Packers fan. At the beginning of this season, I would have predicted a 7-9 season for my team. Not because I am defeatist, but because I am realistic. Now, I think they have a very good chance at making the playoffs, but the team is so full of rookies that I think the Super Bowl may well be out of reach. I hold out HOPE, but I don't think it is in the cards. I am a Red Sox fan. I think they have a very good chance at a World Series victory (by the way, did anyone catch Josh Beckett's unbelievably masterful pitching performance in game one against the Angels? Wow!) but I still can't say for certain that they will get by the Angels and the Yankees and the whoever else makes it. I am a Bombers fan. I think they will make it to the Grey Cup this year. I base that thought on observation and their record. I think they will be in tough, however, when they meet the Lions. I am a Senators fan. I think the Senators will make it back to the Cup final this year, because I don't think any team in the East has improved enough to knock them off. I am, however, worried about Pittsburgh more than anyone else.

But being a Senators fan and believing they will make it to the Cup final is not ridiculous. It is not delusional. It is realistic and it is an expectation based on prior observation and the records of years past. Thinking the Leafs will win the cup is a lot like thinking Hamilton will go on a winning streak and win the Grey Cup, or that the Green Party will become Ontario's next majority government in Wednesday's election. In other words, bonkers.

The one thing Leaf fans like to use against Senators fans, which makes me scratch my head, is that label of "chokers". Even losing in the Cup final is a "choke". Which means, I suppose, that all but one team in any given year, "chokes". Well no. They say. The Leafs did NOT choke. Which is true. If you do not make the playoffs, you can't choke in the playoffs. If you're lucky to have made the playoffs, there are no expectations of your team, and getting knocked out is not choking, it's what is expected. This is tremendous logic. Suppose you have two kids in Grade 12. One of them maintains a 95 percent average in school all year, while the other one has a consistent 45. When the final exam comes around, the child with a 95 percent average gets a 75 on that exam. A big letdown, to be sure, but a choke? Let us see...the other child also gets a 65. Big success for that child! At the end of the year, their final exam marks are much closer than their marks for the rest of the year. But child number one will end up with an average of 85%, and will be able to attend the University of his or her choice. Child number two will end up with a 55% average, will just barely scrape by and get his diploma, will get refused by even the most menial community college courses, (like radio) and his parents will pat him on the head, congratulate him, and send him out the door to go work at Taco Bell for the rest of his life. That second child is the Toronto Maple Leafs. The first child, the one who is now a neurosurgeon, is the Ottawa Senators. And the neurosurgeon, being health conscious and intelligent, does not eat at Taco Bell.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Back at blogging...

It took but two days for Christian to figure out what was wrong with my computer - and it turns out it wasn't me! It was something called a BIOS chip, and something called firmware, which apparently has nothing to do with internet porn. I had done nothing really wrong. I just needed some updates. Now it is working like a charm, humming away in my brand new finished basement. While I have been away from my machine, many interesting things have taken place. First of all, I moved. That was not in itself interesting to anyone except me. And my girlfriend. Her 13-year-old had to learn which house to go to after school, and by the time he showed up there on Monday, we had readied the house completely. His room looks fantastic, the basement is completely outfitted with his video games and other stuff, and he was decidedly unimpressed. Oh. New house. Neat. Where's my gameboy? Kids. What're you gonna do?

No, what was really interesting was my poor football prognostication. This was an anomaly. I believe that I will give it one more week, and should I be wrong again, I will give up the game for good. I certainly hope no one used my blog to pick on Pro Line. Unless you chose the Buffalo game and the Packers. Some I got right: Oakland, Detroit, Buffalo, Green Bay, Indy, New England and Dallas. I also cautioned against taking the Chargers with an eliminator pick. I was right about that as well. I then said LaDanian Tomlinson would have his breakout game against the Chiefs. That was true - he had 100 yards at half time. Then, in a how-to-get-fired-as-a-head-coach demonstration, he touched the ball SIX times in the second half. SIX. The Chargers gave up their 10 point lead, lost the game, and really thinned out my eliminator pool. As did the Ravens and Steelers by losing their respective games. The reason I am calling this an anomaly is that I went 7-7 in the office pool this week, but I have not spoken to anyone who had more than 6 wins. Except Jacob Victor, who said he had 8 wins, and beat me soundly in our 5 picks this week.

Having lost to a seven year old, I was forced to dress up in an Oscar De La Hoya fishnet bodystocking for some quality photos which are currently on our website. (I would include a link here, but I really don't recommend looking at them.) Apparently, this wasn't simply the obvious result of losing a bet, but also because Doc was irritated that I called him a smurf on my blog. Little did I know he prefers to be referred to as a Lilliputian when I make fun of his height. Go figure. So...that was interesting.

Most interesting of Breaking Rock News on the CHEZ website, they are reporting on the nominees for the 2008 inductions into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And complaining that Metallica has been left out of the nominees. And so have RUSH and KISS. I don't want to claim sweet vindication for my beliefs here, but Madonna and Donna Summer ARE more relevant and interesting as artists. I am surprised at Metallica being left off the ballot. Frankly, I'm surprised Rush has been left off as well. But I think it will be a long long time before anyone thinks about putting KISS in the Hall of Fame. Performance Art HOF, maybe. The one that really bothers me though is Chic. Chic was on the ballot this year. Chic! Chic? Chic. I don't want to say I prefer Rush, but...I prefer Rush. It might be time to permanently ruin my hearing by pulling a Van Gogh on my new cutting board, which really accentuates the wooden features in my kitchen. Little known fact - Van Gogh actually cut his own ear off not because of the tiff he had with his boyfriend, but actually did it to prepare himself for the French premiere of Camille Saint-Saens' Carnival of the Animals, the "2112" of the late 1800s. Ear plugs and Kleenex were invented some years later.