Thursday, September 3, 2009

How strange.

I saw something awesome today. It was a wet-nap...made just for kids! And I thought, it's about time kids got their own brand of wet-nap. After all, with their tiny fingers, they are simply not equipped to deal with the complexities of an adult wet-nap. Now, I understand kids' brand shampoo. The idea behind that being that kids will, obviously, get soap in their eyes. Kids don't understand "shampoo", and can't be expected to understand where it actually goes. So the shampoo is specifically designed to go in eyes, which is nice. I would like this product to be available for adults, actually. I am jealous every time my step-kids take showers, knowing full well that they will come out of the thing cleaner than I can ever hope to be. Not only will their hair and bodies be clean, so will their eyeballs. I can't match that.

Sunscreen for kids makes good sense also. After all, child-skin is much different than adult-skin. And it seems logical to me that a lower SPF is less harmful to children because it allows more UV rays to hit their skin, giving them a better tan, thereby making them more attractive, and avoiding the self-esteem issues that come with pale skin. Really, it's protection for their brains. And kids' bug spray is sensible too. Kids, once again, are incapable of fending off bugs on their own, and require some kind of skin protectant. But it can't be the same as adult skin protectant, because child-skin is different. I assume. Also, kids are necessarily going to lick their skin after the application of said bugspray, because kids lick their arms. All the time. May as well at least make the bug spray taste good. If it tasted awful, like adult bug spray, then they might stop licking it off their arms. And think what that would do to their self-esteem!

I saw a bottle of Flintstone vitamins in our cupboard upstairs. It used to contain vitamins in the shape of dinosaurs and a guy in a loincloth, ensuring that children were more willing to chew their vitamins. Now it houses, bizarrely, a collection of bottle caps. Kids move on. This, once again, is a great idea. Give kids vitamins in the shape of...vitamins...and they would turn up their noses, knowing full well this was "good for them". Like they do at broccoli. And the collected works of Thomas Hardy, which I am always trying to force upon them. I bet if Jude The Obscure was printed as a pop-up book in the shape of a green dinosaur. more kids would read it.

Dinosaurs are good for all things Child, aren't they? After all, the only way to soothe an aching boo-boo is apparently a band-aid with cartoon dinosaurs or cartoon Spongebobs on it. Kids are simply not mature enough to handle skin-coloured adult band-aids, and they remain convinced, until they are about nine years of age, that only band-aids with dinosaurs actually cure wounds. For some this understanding lasts into adulthood. I had to learn, all over again, how to draw a triceratops with a sharpie so I could put one on the big-ass bandages I used to cover the stomach abscess I had last year. I sure felt better after that.

In fact, most kids products are better. Tonight, I will flavour my meal with Child Bug Spray, wash up with a Child Wet Nap, take a shower and clean my eyeballs, then before I go to bed I will brush my teeth with that toothpaste that comes in the stand up container, that sparkles on my toothbrush and tastes like bubblegum. I wonder if that stuff is still around. I wonder if it was actually made with bubblegum.

1 comment:

  1. Have you seen the kids mouthwash that colours your plaque blue so you can wash it away? Disgusting! And yes... I bought some.