Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Maybe twitter is useful, after all.

Or at least entertaining. I use my twitter to let people know when there are new Cynical Cinema reviews, or new Breaking Rock News stories, or new blog posts - check Twitter! I will have posted a link to the very post you are reading right now! Most of the time, it lets us know who has a rash, or who is tired, or who has discovered the joys of Skippy peanut butter on Royal Gala apples. In short, it's boring. But sometimes, it is totally worthwhile. Like, in Iran right now - not only are young Iranians taking to twitter to add emphasis to their protest over the rigged elections, but yesterday there was an Iranian blogger who sent a question, through twitter, to a reporter who was at Barack Obama's press conference, and Obama then answered that man's question from thousands of miles away. That's pretty cool.

Then, there is Perez Hilton. Who is a sizeable douchebag who runs a celebrity gossip site where he takes existing stories and then draws cocaine on pictures of Lindsay Lohan, or pictures of junk going in her mouth, all using a John Madden-style telestrater on his incredibly juvenile and yet somehow popular website. And then he says the meanest things he can think of on that website. And then over the weekend he got punched for it, by the entourage of the Black Eyed Peas. And the world thought "oh. Good." And then he posted this incredibly hilarious, tearful video complaint about the incident. Oh - and back to the twitter - while he was being, apparently, savagely beaten by this thug, the police told him that they had real emergencies to deal with, and that they might get there eventually. So he took to twitter. And the police department was flooded with phone calls from as far away as Singapore as people leapt to this idiot's defense. More on twitter in a second - first, you have to see the video.

OK. Now that you've watched that, and laughed, here is the benefit of Twitter. I am no fan of John Mayer's music, but he's worth following on Twitter, because he's dang funny. And he too has no time for Perez Hilton. (Full disclosure - I lifted this twitter exchange off the Rolling Stone website, they have the full story posted here.) It's pretty funny when it's just Mayer and Hilton exchanging barbs, but when Kirstie Alley for some reason gets involved, it's priceless. A sample :

Mayer: I love that @perezhilton uses his cellphone to log on to twitter to post a tweet to ask his followers to call the police for him.

Mayer: Last year P!nk kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was pissing blood for days. Did I make a scene?

Mayer: @perezhilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.

Perez: @johncmayer That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I “deserved” to get hit!

Mayer: @PerezHilton Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face.

Mayer: @perezhilton I also want to train you in an old martial art called “Never Call A Black Dude a F****t Jitsu.”

Mayer: @PerezHilton agreed. So let’s meet up this week and I’ll give you your first krav maga instruction. We’ll break the event down and learn…

Perez: @johncmayer Ok.

Mayer: @perezhilton people don’t want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing.

Mayer: @PerezHilton by understanding the genetics of a violent incident you can learn to avoid them. And if you can’t, you will learn to end them.

Mayer: @PerezHilton this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.

Perez: @johncmayer Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it’s not f*****g funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u.

Mayer: @PerezHilton Yah, you’re not getting it… OOH! OK. It’s like the Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly.

Perez: @johncmayer Karma is NOT getting punched in the face!

Mayer: @perezhilton from the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can’t blog the world, my friend.

Mayer: @PerezHilton then you leave the Matrix, and oh, what the hell, you’re not gonna get it. You’re a sweet guy though.

Perez: @johncmayer I can never tell if ur being sincere or not. It doesnt matter. Have Harley email me contact info for this so I can do on my own.


Kirstie Alley: Perez…in the future…must only duke it out with lentils…leave the black eyed peas to the big boys

Perez: @kirstiealley I’m 31 years old. You’re 58. But it seems like you have the mental maturity of a 13 year old. Way to go!

Perez: @johncmayer I cant DM u and Im not trying to play this out publicly. B well. I dont wish u harm. I talk sh** but I sincerely wish no 1 harm.

Perez: @johncmayer And people DO want to see me hurt. That’s what I’ve been reading over and over again. But it’s cool. I’ll be back 2 normal tomm.

Mayer: @PerezHilton you might have a gash on your face for a few more days, but the real healing? It’s happening right now.

Perez: @johncmayer Once again, we agree! I live in my own world. And in my world, I would never punch someone. And in my world, that’s illegal!

Mayer: @perezhilton now you sit down behind that Tandy computer and you hash out a Doogie diary. Be sure to pause, think, and keep typing.

Mayer: @perezhilton because today, the fourth wall came crashing down. Mario, you are human. I call upon Twitter to be kind to you. #perezisokbyme

Perez: @johncmayer I’m not human! I’m a monster! Good night, John Mayer.

Mayer: @PerezHilton Good night Perez, you dumb sh**. #perezisokbyme

Kirstie Alley: JOHN MAYER…you are in the wrong biness…you funny, singer boy…you real damn funny…

Kirstie Alley: @johncmayer I have comedy CRUSH on you…you are one funny singing sensation…I heart your timing…love, K

1 comment:

  1. That Hilton jerk (never heard of the clown before Eric talked about him on air) goes around talking smack and then expects everyone to be his pal. Ya right! I think he has a bright future in MMA, he's a tough lookin' dude...not