Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Losing weight through brute force...the home stretch.

I now have two days to lose as much weight as possible in order to win this contest. I lost five more pounds last week, bringing me close to thirty so far. Overall, I have lost 36 pounds, counting the week before the contest started. And I am still close to losing. I figure that I have to lose at least seven pounds this week in order to have a good shot at winning the contest. And although I have made a serious effort to contract diptheria, or humunculosis, or any other appetite-and energy sapping illness, I have so far been unsuccessful. So now I must resort to different drastic measures.

So for the past two weeks I have been sticking as closely to the Greco-prescribed diet as is humanly possible. I have gone without cheese. Without bread. Without carbs of any kind or fat of any kind. I have been drinking my coffee black (which sucks). I have been cramming vegetables into myself even when I know they will not satisfy the gaping hunger that I feel in my belly. And I have been drinking copious amounts of water. Today is my last class at Greco, and then I will be on my own until Friday's weigh-in. So I plan to stop eating, entirely, at noon on Thursday. I will not drink any water, whatsoever, as of 9 a.m. on Thursday. Before I go to bed Thursday night, I will do 10 km on the rowing machine and run for five more, then wrap myself in garbage bags, prop my mouth open with a stick, and attempt to get at least one hour of sleep.

Also, I will shave off all my body hair, clip my finger and toenails as short as they will go, donate as much blood as the blood bank will allow me to give, blow my nose as often as possible and generally attempt to evacuate any superfluous weight that may still be somewhere on my body. That all should help me drop those extra three pounds that might put me over the top. Because if I have come this far and I lose this contest, then it really wasn't worthwhile. I know, I know, I am skinner and nicer looking and I am no longer out of breath when I walk up stairs and I no longer sweat when I eat and I can finally clip my own toenails and I have more energy and I wake up feeling better and blah blah blah. But really, I want the forty bucks I could win.

Then, Friday morning at 7:05, after my 7:04 weigh-in, I will drink nine pepsis and eat four Big Macs and feel as good as new. You know - I was telling my dad this yesterday - I thought giving up my 12 pepsis a day would be tough. But it wasn't. I thought it would be a pain in the butt to eat eggs every day and alway have chicken and ground beef around to make up snacks and such. It wasn't. And I thought I would miss hamburgers and hot dogs and the other things that make up the staples of my diet. But I don't. This past two weeks, when I have had no bread or cereal or anything else involving carbs, I didn't even miss it. But I have discovered that the one thing that drives me crazy is being without cheese. I must have cheese. So much so that instead of four Big Macs come Friday morning, I am now thinking about bringing in a large-size block of expensive, extra-old, delicious cheddar cheese and eat the whole thing like it's an apple. George Costanza would be proud.

1 comment:

  1. Great comments Eric. I hope you win this contest because you take so much abuse from Doc and Woody and are such a good sport.