Friday, December 19, 2008

And, my letter.

Again, the format isn't coming through well on my blog here. My initial letter was far more entertaining and caustic, but upon reading it, several people around the station felt that should I send it in, I would end up under surveillance of some kind. Or possibly imprisoned. Apparently, they think we live in Russia. But I certainly don't think of Stephen Harper's government that way. At all. Because I want to be in the senate. Here's my new, toned-down, revised cover letter:

To whom it may concern,

This is a letter to express my intention to apply for one of the eighteen available senate seats. As a local radio personality for the past five years in the centre of our federal government, Ottawa, I feel that I am one of the eighteen most qualified people for a senate seat, for a few reasons.
First of all, as an Ottawa resident, I would be within easy traveling distance of the Senate at all times, and as such I would be one of the Senators with the best attendance record. I hereby pledge that, should I be named to the Senate, I will have an attendance record of better than sixty percent for at least the first ten years of my tenure.

Now, of course, I realize that the idea behind appointing these Senators now is to even things out and create more of a balance by filling the Red House with people who espouse Conservative ideals, and I would like to point out that I am a man with strong moral convictions, and I will fight to the best of my ability in favour of whatever moral stand the Conservative government wants me to take.

I can be pro-war, pro-corporation, anti-union, anti-abortion, anti-gay and anti-environment should that be the desire of the current government. I have attached a resume which indicates my fondness for conservative ideals, and especially the policies of Stephen Harper and George Bush. My loving impersonation of Mr. Harper during the election points to the fact that I agreed with the Conservative party’s entire election platform, that Stephane Dion is a dweeb. And the pro-Bush rally I held outside a local adult establishment is a good example of my views on foreign policy.

I understand the need for swift action in order to stack the Senate and crush the opposition left-wing parties before Barack Obama’s inauguration, and therefore I realize that these appointments will be done with great expedience. I am hoping that I am getting my application in before the deadline, and I am respectfully suggesting that the first step toward crushing that opposition would be appointing me to an influential Senate post.

And finally, I’d like to say that just like the Conservative party, I am totally against the Senate, that totally useless branch of Canadian government, and I too believe it should be abolished. So should that be your decision at a later time, I will immediately step down for a generous severance package.

Thank you for your attention in this matter.

Yours Truly,

Eric The Intern

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