Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wrestling...again. This time with the big guys.

So McCully wanted me to be in his corner when he wrestled Brutus "the Barber" Beefcake on Friday night. And I agreed, because I always like to participate in something that has the potential to be bonkers. I've done this wrestling gig before, anyway. I fought "the Wild Ace" in a sumo match during a Provincial Championship Wrestling show a year ago. At the same place, so I figured I'm an old hand at this. Piece of cake. Besides, I won't have to wrestle - McCully IS a wrestler, and he'll be doing all that stuff. I just have to walk around and screw stuff up. From what I understand. I got to the Jim Durrell Centre at about 6:30, prepared for the 8:00 start time. Of course, wrestling shows never begin on time. There are delays.

The big delay, this time, were the feature attractions. Brutus the Barber, and former WWF Diva Sunny, pictured here on the Doc and Woody Fun Page:

You see, before the events, they will go into the audience area and sign pictures and sell merchandise. I don't know how much any of it costs, but they seemed to think they had done well, just about everyone in the crowd bought something. You see, much as a stripper makes more money from the back-room action than she does from the club itself, so too do the traveling wrestlers make more money from the front-room action. So next time you're at a wrestling show, tip generously!

So Brutus and Sunny were out there signing and selling stuff, and that was our holdup. The show couldn't begin until they were out of there, and we waited. When they came backstage, things got underway with the first inter-species match I think I have ever seen at a wrestling show, as a man wrestled a panda. Well, a man in a panda suit. One of the weirdest panda suits I have ever seen. From the waist up, it was like a shirt in panda colours, with a panda head and mask. But from the waist down, it was massive. Like a panda suit for a 500-pound man. Biggest ass I have ever seen on an animal costume. It was the J-Lo panda.

Then the machinations began. Josianne Pussycat was there, but the girl she was supposed to fight was not going to show up. So she was in limbo - should she manage me and McCully, or should she do something else? She wanted to fight, but there were no girls there for a match, and Sunny doesn't fight. So a compromise was reached, where a skinny, little guy was found. They gave him a wig and a mexican wrestling mask, and a bikini top and booty shorts. And he was sent out there to be a "girl" for Josianne to fight. Which I think, judging by the reaction, got a big rise out of the crowd. Or maybe that was just a reaction to Josianne, who was wearing less than most peelers usually do. Here is a picture of Josianne.

Then there were some tag-team matches featuring twins (male twins), and a MMA demonstration between a couple of guys from Team Bushido MMA Fitness Centre. McCully, backstage, kept trying to get the Barber's attention so they could go over what they were going to do in their match. Between sips of beer, Brutus told him they'd just be doing a wrestling match. Stop talking, he basically said. Just get out there and follow my lead. So that's where we were at. No shame with these wrestlers either. I turned around a little too quickly at one point, and caught an eyeful of a totally naked professional wrestler. Brutus balls. I moved on quickly. Sunny talked to us a lot more though - she was pretty cool about the whole thing, having been bumped around herself. The guy she was supposed to manage had car trouble and couldn't make it, so she was jammed into our match at the end. She isn't exactly the Sunny of 15 years ago, but she is still darn attractive, and of course got the biggest cheer at our match.

A couple of minutes before our fight began, Brutus seemed to be in more of a talkative mood, and chilled with us a little bit before we went on. McCully inquired about perhaps getting me involved in the match somehow - doing a thing where I screw up my own guy, or something. He mentioned that I had never been a part of the wrestling scene before, and I didn't really know what I was doing. Brutus lost it a little. "There is no way I'm letting that guy touch me" he bellowed, indicating me with his thumb as I stood in silence, afraid to speak. "I have too much riding on this for some rookie to break my neck with some stupid stunt!" I was a little flattered that he thought I would have the capacity to break his neck, stupid stunt or otherwise. That man is huge, and in amazing shape.

After a while, he recanted a little, and made some suggestions as to how I could get involved. Like, if he was in the ropes I could choke him a little. I made it quite clear that I was more than content to stand around and not actively participate, since McCully was right. I had no idea what I was doing. That became abundantly clear to me when I got out to the ring, and the match was going on. But the match was not between McCully and Brutus Beefcake. McCully was a no-show that night. No, instead, it was Vinnie Glyde himself, coming out of retirement for a surprise appearance and a final hurrah. If you haven't seen the masterful works of Vinnie Glyde, here are the videos one more time:

Full regalia, (except for his boots, which apparently got stolen somewhere in Alberta), with the robe and sequins and glitter and the dance moves. Fantastic stuff! I mean, I'm supposed to be his corner guy, his manager, but how do I keep a straight face while he's doing the jump-splits in a sequined robe? That is too funny. I had a hard time keeping a straight face during the entire match, but I had an even harder time doing the right things at the right time. At one point, Vinnie was in some kind of hold, and he and the Barber were looking at me. I'm at the side of the ring, and Vinnie's yelling "Eric, help me!" And I was whispering back "I don't know how! What do I do!" Eventually Brutus caught my eye a little and indicated to me that I was supposed to distract the ref. (As the bad guys, one of us distracts the ref, while the other does something devious to Brutus the Barber Beefcake.) So I did. And Vinnie did something. And the match went on, but I think they abandoned any idea of having me participate in any way.

So I just followed Sunny's lead, as she slammed her hands on the mat and yelled stuff and showed off her cleavage. So I slammed my hands on the mat and yelled stuff and showed off my cleavage. It worked OK. But Vinnie Glyde lost. He lost bad. He didn't even do anything cool. Except lose. And I was disappointed. So Sunny brought me into the ring and I joined her and the Barber in cutting some of his hair off. I'll have to ask Vinnie for a picture today, just to see how he managed to fix his hair.

No comments:

Post a Comment