Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Things that are bothering me today other than that rash.

1. Bill O'Reilly. His body-language segment is the dumbest thing on TV. Dumber even than Paris Hilton's new show. But funny, at least. Today, he analyzed Bill Clinton's body language as he attempted to craft a response to a ludicrous question asked of him on FOX News in an interview with Greta Van Sustren. Then he made fun of him for having trouble answering the question. I'd sure like to see what the body language segment would say about Sarah Palin's Katie Couric interview. But I sure don't expect to see that. The best thing about the body language segment is that O'Reilly always asks the airheaded blonde girl who does it about himself. "What do I project in my interview with John Kerry?" The obvious answer is, of course jackass, but she always says stuff like "I loved the way you folded your hands together at the end. It's a real position of strength, and makes you look godlike." I quote directly. I'm watching it right now.

2. Paris Hilton's new show. And Paris Hilton in general. I thought pop culture had reached it's nadir with the advent of The Tyra Banks Show. But I was wrong. I thought A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila was the low point of human existence. But I was wrong. When there was a spin-off show from Tila Tequila, I had stopped questioning how low the world could go, or how MTV could actually become MORE dumbed-down. I gave up predicting the apocalypse. But now...Paris Hilton has another TV show. An even dumber one. You see, a bunch of chicks will compete to be Paris Hilton's BFF! (Which, Woody Of The Web tells me, means "Best Friend Forever".) On a reality show. Which if you're now Paris Hilton's best friend? You can audition people to be your friends now? More than anything though, it's the word "forever" that makes me worried about this. Even with The Bachelor and all that reality-show painful garbage, they end with an engagement. Nothing is promised beyond the last moment that the show was filmed. But with this - you're getting promised FOREVER. Does that mean that if, six weeks after the show ends, you read a book and start to get smarter and realize that Paris Hilton is a shallow douchebag, that you are still contractually obligated to be her best friend for the rest of your life? I see this show ending in murder.

3. Hallowe'en. It's almost a month away, and already I'm inundated with Hallowe'en-type stuff. I just reviewed two Hallowe'en specials that came out on DVD yesterday. Casper The Friendly Ghost and Fat Albert both have Hallowe'en specials that hit DVD yesterday. Both are obnoxious. Also, every horror movie ever made gets some kind of re-issue near Hallowe'en, one that has some new unnecessary special feature to make it essential for some collector somewhere. I am currently reviewing the 3-disc Collector's Edition of Rob Zombie's 2007 re-make of Hallowe'en. Three discs. One is the same as the original release. Another features casting sessions, trailers and bloopers. And the third is a four-and-a-half hour documentary done by Rob Zombie about the making of the movie. I have to review this by Tuesday, and I'm looking with dread upon the DVD right now. Scary stuff.

4. Scary stuff. Since Hallowe'en is approaching, I am starting to get those emails sent to me, that have scarecrows that look like they're mooning you because they have pumpkins for asses. That's an email I can stand never to see again. I am also seeing more and more events and sales being advertised as "spook-tacular". That really annoys me. The only reason "spook-tacular" doesn't irritate me as much as say "here we grow again!" is that it is seasonal. And in six weeks I will see it no more until next year. But "here we grow again" will be around forever. And I know that in the next couple of weeks I will start hearing awful, awful Hallowe'en-y music. Like the Monster Mash. And Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London, which I actually like, but it is not a Hallowe'en tune. Just because it involves the word "werewolf" does not make it scary or creepy or weird. How about Boris The Spider? Does that count?

5. The fact that I watch all these political analysis shows - CTV Newsnet, Rachel Maddow, O'Reilly, Olberman, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Rick Mercer - and they're always talking about the "female vote", and how Palin might affect that. Or the "black vote", and Obama. Or the "hispanic vote", and ex-Hillary Clinton supporters. Or even the "jewish vote", which doesn't appear to really matter a lot except that all two million of them across America want you to be in support of Israel and not Palestine? In Canada, it's a bit different. We don't break it down ethnically so much. Because, frankly, it's pretty insulting to those groups to suggest that they vote as a block and that women will go Republican because they have a woman or that black people will go Democrat because of Obama. In Canada, I see people talking about the "fermer vote", or the "university-educated vote". Like those are blocks who get together and decide who to vote for, en masse. But in all this, all this pigeonholing of voting blocks, no one ever discusses "the gay vote". Isn't that a big enough community to be pigeonholed as well? Can't the media make patronizng blanket statements about this group also? Or is "gay" too scary a subject?

6. Dr. Phil. When my girlfriend gets home from work, she puts on Dr. Phil. And I sit with her to see how her day was and so forth, because it's the only time we have to spend together. And Dr. Phil, aside from being a giant douche, now has a new theme song for his show, which really sucks. And actually makes the show worse. It has, like, these lyrics and everything...and it's just painful. It really reinforces the point that Dr. Phil is not to be watched by anyone with even a modicum of testosterone.

7. Free hats in beer cases. I bought a case of Bud on the weekend because it came with a free NFL hat, and I have misplaced my old Packers ball cap. But you can't tell what hat you're getting before you open the case. I guess the idea is that you are supposed to continue buying Budweiser until you find your team. But I got a Patriots hat. I hate the Patriots. So I don't want this. But I won't buy any more of these beer cases, because I don't want a bunch of other crappy hats. I just want a Packers one. This could work with other stuff - those mini helmets, or pendants or something. Because as a football fan, I would collect those. But I'm not collecting a pile of hats, because I'm only going to wear the Packers one. Or the Eagles, maybe.

8. Long, self-indulgent blog posts. Seriously, who do people think they are?


  1. Still calling your fiance your girlfriend, I see. I did that before I was married, boy did I get a talking to. Best to get the terms right a.s.a.p.

  2. I got the same e-mail about pumpkins for ass and thought it was hilarious lol

  3. Thank goodness she hates the term "fiancee" as much as I do. She would actually prefer "ol' ball and chain", a term I would never...well, rarely use. There's something we both can't put our finger on, but something obnoxious about the word. Girlfriend it is!

  4. I like the term "spousal unit". :D

  5. Of course, you could just leave the Patriots hat at the reception desk for me and then feel free to buy another case..... ;P

    (And yes, been a Pats fan since the early 80's, so going from someone whose team is laughed at to someone whose team is hated isn't something that bothers me one bit. I mean.... at least I'm not a Leafs fan.....)