Thursday, October 23, 2008

Maybe this year...


Every year, a great organization that fights autism called Children At Risk gets a bunch of people in Ottawa to make pumkins. They call these people "celebrity" pumpkin carvers, but then they invite me too. They even ask Doc & Woody to carve a pumpkin. These pumpkins get displayed around Ottawa at different malls, and people can donate money to Children At Risk by placing their cash in the box next to their favourite pumpkin. Which is basically bidding on the pumpkin. The winner of the bidding gets to take the pumpkin home, carved by whatever "celebrity" it is. Now frankly, I have no interest in the rest of the people involved in this thing. I don't care if Max Keeping's pumpkin earns more money than mine. Or if Wayne Rostad gets twenty times my numbers, or if the guy who runs the local grocery store or the lady with the craft stand beat me.

I just want to beat Doc and Woody. That's it. The fact of the matter is, I have never beaten them. Not once. And yet every year, I have the better pumpkin. Last year, I put a lot of effort into my pumpkin. I created a horrific, scary, Hallowe'enie masterpiece. A Tarantino pumpkin, complete with bullet hole, blood splatter and brains. And the guys had our promo guy Tiffany paint theirs to look like Gene Simmons from KISS. Theirs sucked, mine was awesome, and they beat me. Why? Because I get a crappy prize package to go along with my pumpkin. Every year. I get the rejects from the promo bin, they get tickets to a bunch of great shows. And that is why people put more money into their little box at the mall.

Take this year, for example. I saw their pumpkin. Doc stapled a Hallowe'en mask to it. And then sent it in. In fact, he even subcontracted that task - he brought in the mask and a wig, and handed them to Esther our promo guy to staple them on herself. Then she brought his pumpkin to the event for him. This is the effort they put into this. I must admit though, this year, I put as much effort, if not less, than they did. I came up with the idea of the pumpkin, and I hollowed it out, then my girlfriend designed it and carved it and put it together for me. She is a bit of a nut when it comes to pumpkins and carving them. She loves it. We have six fake pumpkins in the house right now, because she needed to start carving early, and real ones would rot by Hallowe'en. And she certainly has talent. I asked our promo guy Esther to take a picture of the pumpkin, and I'll put it up on this post when she sends it to me. Now she sent it to me. There it is, at the top.

But the fact remains, my pumpkin looks outstanding. And Doc and Woody's looks stupid. And they are likely going to win again. Because our promo department will likely give them, like, Super Bowl tickets, or Neil Young at the very least. And what did I get from the promo people for MY prize pack? About two months ago, promo was getting ready to give away some of the worst movies in the world. Epic Movie, Mad Money, and Silk. Atrocious movies. And I told them never, under any circumstance, should they give those to people. Because they are awful. So when I ask them for prizes for my prize pack, what do I get? The same three movies I told them never to give away before. And it looks as though I will lose again.

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