Friday, October 31, 2008

How do they get spaghetti into a balloon, anyway?

Yesterday, I attended a couple of charity events. The first one was at a company called Innovapost. I asked several people at the building what, exactly, it was that they did. I managed to glean enough information from seven or eight of them to learn that they did something involving Canada Post. And computers. Or something. The word "support" came up a lot, but it wasn't linked to the words "ladies undergarments". I became confused, and I stopped asking. The basic reason I was there was to insult everyone. I was playing a part of sorts, that of the British guy from that American karaoke show, the one who hates everyone and everything.

So I started out by suggesting that the fact that they had raised more than a million dollars for the United Way over the past five years must be more indicative of the fact that they are paying their employees way too much. I further suggested that the United Way was a pretty boring choice as far as charities go - every corporate gig I go to involves the United Way. That organization is genius - they have positioned themselves as the cop-out charity of choice. When you want to do corporate functions that build team morale and raise money, and you need to find a charity to which you give the money, it's always the United Way. Because they take that money and throw it to the charities they think are most in need, that are under their umbrella. So you don't need to actually think to support that organization, you just throw all your money in a hat and send it in. Imagine a company that eschewed the UW for a few years and decided to donate to Operation Go Home. Or Children At Risk. Or Woody's Spirit of Christmas. Those charitable organizations would be set, financially, for the next ten years! So...that was basically my opening speech. You guys suck.

Then I got to fight with those American Gladiators giant padded Q-Tip things. My first opponent was Dave Templin, who works at Innovapost and who played "Charlie" in a short film I did. In that movie, I played "Ed", Charlie's best friend, and I killed him several times. I wanted to give Dave the opportunity to exact some revenge. Then it was over to a Rock Band video game competition, where I was to be a "judge", although I wasn't actually judging anything, I was merely tearing down the participants when they were finished. Sometimes it's tough to think of mean things to say! I have a whole new respect for that British American Idol Guy. OK, scratch that. That simply isn't true. People from offices will put a lot of effort into things like this - especially if the prize is a gift certificate from Philthy McNastys. They came dressed up in full rock-star attire and wailed away on the toy instruments. Despite my scathing critiques, they were all in fact fairly entertaining.

Then, of course, I had been a jerk to everyone all day, so they stuck me under a pop-the-water-balloon-on-my-head device. Which I figured would be fine - after all, even though it was minus-five outside, a little water never hurt anyone. And there certainly was water in most of the balloons. In others, there was water and oatmeal. And in still others, there was water, oatmeal and spaghetti. How, exactly, does one get spaghetti into a water balloon? Anyway, there was spaghetti in my ears, in my shirt, somehow in my pants. Everywhere. I gave a quick, shirtless, freezing cold few words to wrap-up, then threw a garbage bag down on the passenger seat of Adam's car, and he drove me home where I hopped in the shower. And shed spaghetti into my drain for several minutes. Once I was spaghetti and oatmeal free, I put on new clothes and went to my second event.

1 comment:

  1. LOL I liked the part about showering the spaghetti down the drain ... on second thought, we were going to have that for dinner.

    My daughter was in one of the bands. Should she keep her day job?