Friday, August 22, 2008


I have been watching The O'Reilly Factor on the PVR this morning. I watch it for at least three minutes every morning for a good belly laugh. That man is crazy! But this morning it's that annoying blonde woman filling in for him. I know, I know, there are several thousand annoying blonde women who appear in the O'Reilly show. Perhaps for some loofah. This particular one is Laura Ingraham though, and although she's actually more caustic than O'Reilly, she makes me laugh less. So I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. But at the end, they have a breaking scandal about Michael Phelps! And I was worried - what's it going to be? What's the news? Has he...tested poisitive for steroids? HGH? Some kind of banned stimulant? No. The controversy is about Phelps endorsing Frosted Flakes. You see, Frosted Flakes are not AS good for kids as Corn Flakes! And he's an athlete. He should be representing only the most healthy cereals. Like Shredded Wheat. And Celery-Os.

I for one, know for a fact that Michael Phelps does not eat Shredded Wheat. Or Frosted Flakes or Corn Flakes. Feeding a kid Frosted Flakes instead of Corn Flakes because Phelps' picture is on the box will put more sugar into them. Making them...slightly less healthy? Feeding them the breakfast Phelps actually eats would KILL them. I know this because I ate his breakfast yesterday. And it almost killed me. And I am four times the size of most kids. Three fried egg and cheese sandwiches with mayo. A five-egg omelete. A bowl of oatmeal. Two slices of French toast. And three chocolate ship pancakes. That's what he eats. Every morning. That's what I ate. Yesterday morning. And then I ran 200 metres.

The whole idea was to see how fast a regular person could run compared with how fast Usain Bolt can run. Watching him win the 200 metres on Wednesday was incredible. You would think, in a race that goes only 200 metres and lasts 20 seconds, that it would be pretty darn close at the end. And he won be seven metres. In fact, because the guy who finished second AND the guy who finished third were both disqualified, Bolt finished like twelve metres ahead of the silver medallist. Unreal. Even more impressive than his 9.69 world record in the 100 metres, he broke the seemingly-untouchable Michael Johnson world record in the 200 in 19.30 seconds. Not only is he the fastest man in the world, he instantly becomes one of the greatest Olympians of all time. More impressive than even Michael Phelps. And he makes it look completely effortless.

This is something I can't claim. I ran the 200 metres yesterday, and I did NOT make it look effortless. First of all, no person (outside of the elite athletes of the world) can move around after a meal like that, let alone run fast. Secondly, at about the 100 metre mark, my pants began to fall down. I shouldn't have kept my wallet and keys in my pocket. So I figure that affected my time somewhat. In the end, I finished in 40 seconds. More than double the time of the fastest man in the world. I figured that was about right - then Woody made a great point. I weigh twice as much as he does. Therefore, I should be half as fast. Which leads me to believe that if I lose about 120 pounds, I too could be the fastest man in the world. This put my mind at ease. I slept well last night.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Dr E & The medicine Men.
    I lost your E-Mail address,
    Just wanted to know if you got the picnic basket in the shed ?
    are they any use to you ?
    & i hope you were wearing Clean underwear ?