Wednesday, August 27, 2008

AC/DC

Things are hitting a fever pitch for AC/DC's new album. In our studio, we have received almost two calls that were buzzing with excitement over the unveilling of the latest track in the catalogue of the world's most conisistent band. Tomorrow, on the Doc And Woody show, at 7:35, we will be playing Rock And Roll Train, the debut single from the newest album, Black Ice. Hopefully the other songs will be rolled out, one at a time, so that we can hear everything by the time Black Ice is released in October. I, for one, can't wait to hear Rock And Roll Bus, Black Rock and Roll, Ice On The Train, Black Train, Rock And Roll Black Ice Bus, She Likes Rock And Roll, Big Jack, She Dreams of Jack, and Rock N Roll Dreams. (Three of those titles are on the new album. Try to guess which ones!)

AC/DC, you see, has a machine. Sort of like the one Batman had in the old Adam West series. And this machine has a forty-word vocabulary. So when the band needs 15 song titles for their newest album, they hit the "TITLE" button fifteen times. And end up with fifteen new song titles that are a combination of between two and six of those forty words. They have a similar machine for their lyrics, one with a fifty-five word vocabulary. Much like the official Webster's dictionary, new words are added every year. This year, the boys in AC/DC threw in two new words - "wheels" and "spoiling". Which should add a tremendous amount of diversity to their lyrical output. Doc has been going on about how AC/DC may not be terribly lyrically interesting, and that they may not have the most original song titles, but that they have some of the greatest riffs in the history of rock music. And he is right. AC/DC has three of the greatest riffs in the history of rock music. Expect to hear them all on Jack Dreams in the Train of Rock And Roll, and Spoiling For Wheels.

Woody pointed out that the little piece of Rock And Roll Train that we've heard so far sounds a lot like You Shook Me All Night Long. Which means it also sounds a lot like Rock And Roll Ain't Noise Pollution. Which means it sounds a lot like AC/DC. So far so good. I hope it does sound like AC/DC. I love AC/DC. They are truly the most consistent band of all time, having made the same album twelve times with varying results. At the very least you know what you're going to get. I certainly hope they tour through Ottawa, because I want to see them again. I saw them at SARSfest in Toronto, and it was an amazing show. I expect they will put on the exact same show in Ottawa, were they to come, and I am all about seeing it again.

I am also very excited to pick up this newest album. Mostly because I simply love going to Wal-Mart. There will be nothing quite as exciting as fighting my way through hundreds of irritated shoppers, becoming discouraged at not being able to find the CD section, eating some poorly prepared McDonalds, fighting my way back through the crowd, and finally emerging triumphantly with my brand-new AC/DC compact disc along with the toilet paper, the towel rack, the car air freshener and the 99 cent DVDs of the Jack Benny show that I just couldn't pass up as I fought my way to the exits. I will then throw my suburban purchases in the back seat of my car, fight my way through the plastic wrapping, and raise my Rock N Roll Black Ice Jack Dreams Fightin' Flag high as I leave the Wal-Mart parking lot and crank the AC/DC as loud as possible, with my windows down, on my way back home. When I get home, the CD will be on track three, Rock N Roll Rain Dreams, and my neighbours will say - hey, I love AC/DC! No one will ask me if it's the NEW AC/DC, because no one will be able to tell. And I will smile smugly to myself, as I will be the only one who knows this is new.

And so begins the downfall of music. The major music retailers in the world now, in terms of CDs, are the Wal-Marts and Best Buys of the world. And they are now the exclusive purveyors of the music we already know and love. AC/DC will make an album that is exactly like every other AC/DC album. And as such, it will rock, it will be loud, it will feature massive guitar riffs, it will be lots of fun, and it will feature a total of fifty-five words. And now we know not only what the song titles will be, and how it will sound, but where exactly we can get it. At the same place we get all the rest of our music. Wal-Mart. And Wal-Mart, slowly, is reducing the size of it's CD section. Not enough people purchasing their CDs, you see. And so eventually, the music section of Wal-Mart, two years from now, will feature only four CDs at a time. The newest AC/DC, the newest Eagles, the newest Def Leppard, and whatever other artists have signed an exclusivity deal.

Before long, the only CDs we will be able to purchase at all will be these four CDs, and when people get tired of Def Leppard continuing to suck, the Eagles going country, and Miley Cyrus, all that will be left will be AC/DC. And we will have two choices in music - either the AC/DC albums we know and love and their uniform sound, or the three hundred thousand other musical artists in the world who will have their songs available on iTunes. With a uniform sound. And we will listen to those tracks on our iPods in our iCars as we drive to Wal-Mart for our Kung Fu Panda themed tooth brushes and our Wall-E sponsored car chamois. So long, music. It's been fun.

3 comments:

  1. HA HA HA....I see your tongue is firmly planted in your cheek. Excellent take on the vocabulary of AC/DC. If I were to make an analogy (which I will do anyway, so why do I say "if"?) then I'd say that the AC/DC juggernaut is like the auto industry. In particular, Mazda. Each year is a new model year, but hardly different than the past year. Honestly, how can you tell the difference between a 2006 Mazda 3 from a 2008 Mazda 3? Not as obvious to the casual observer. Yet, consumers swallow it up.

    Maybe AC/DC should call the new album: AC/DC 13 - 2008?

    Signed: long-time fan of the only bolg that matters.

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  2. Funny, I was talking about something similar with a friend tonight...its funny how our cultural tastes have come to define our identities...and how little our cultural tastes differ - we pretty much enjoy a slightly different combinations of genres/artists as the next guy:

    Some people like Led Zeppelin, Metallica, ACDC and Pink Floyd...
    Another guy likes Neil Young, ACDC, Rolling Stones and Metallica,
    And yet another guy likes Pink Floyd, Iron Maiden, ZZ Top and Led Zeppelin.

    And somehow this defines individuals.

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  3. If I didn't have specific musical taste, I wouldn't even know who I am! It's also the only way I have of picking friends. Every single person I know and consider a friend MUST own a CD copy of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music album, or I know for a fact that our values and personalities will clash and we can't be friends.

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