Wednesday, July 9, 2008

You've gotta see this...

As the de-facto reporter for the CHEZ 106 Breaking Rock News feature on the website, it was my mission yesterday to find out all the gory details about the David Lee Roth nut-allergy story. Apparently more than a month ago, he was caught speeding in Brantford, and told the cops he was rushing to a hospital, having suffered an allergic reaction to nuts. And...that's about all there was. I couldn't find any more details anywhere, except that this was reported by CTV. Then I found this:

http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=100455

This is the actualy CTV news story taken from the TV and put onto the internet by an enterprising individual at blabbermouth.net. I find this to be an absolutely hilarious example of how news is now 2% content and 98%...garbage. What do we learn in these three minutes? Well, some people who saw David Lee Roth walking around, knew he was NOT from Brantford. He wore a silk scarf and flashy clothes. Which made him stick out. Because he was clearly NOT from Brantford. He visited a friend. Then he sped. Here's the entire story, in a nutshell (get it? Nutshell?): The cops pulled him over, he went to the hopsital, he was having an allergic reaction to nuts, they got him to the hospital, he was OK. That's it! That's the story. I'm surprised they didn't make reference to Wayne Gretzky and his hometown, giving the David Lee Roth story a backdrop of Walter Gretzky and his famous backyard rink!

Anyway, that's the story, and although I dug much deeper I could not find a single thing more to add to the story. I don't know what kind of nuts they were - cashews? Almonds? Brazil nuts? A mixed nuts can with a plastic lid? We will likely never know. How fast WAS he going? 100? 120? 210? Again, we will never know. But I will make it up, because I need to fill space in this story, which must be three paragraphs long. He was having an allergic reaction after eating a donair next to a chia pet. The chia seeds for that chia pet had been stored next to English walnuts before being shipped off by http://www.nutsonline.com/. The oils from the walnuts had seeped into the chia seeds, the chia pet grew and flowered with trace amounts of walnut oil on it's green fuzzy bristles, and one of those fuzzy bristles had been mistaken for an alfalfa sprout by Roth, who put it inside his donair. He immediately leapt into his car, which I will assume is an Alfa Romeo, and sped off toward an intersection, hoping to see a sign that said "H". For Hospital. When the cops nabbed him, he had "Afternoon Delite" blasting out of his stereo, and he was driving 89 kilometres per hour in what we can only assume was a school zone. (89 kmph, by the way, is 55 miles per hour - because David Lee Roth CAN drive 55.) You see...I'm auditioning for a job at CTV...

9 comments:

  1. That's some nice reportin'

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  2. It's ironic that you're making a big deal (here and on the air this morning) about a TV station making a big deal out of nothing. How is it more newsworthy, or entertaining, to report about the original report?

    Must be a slow news day in Ottawa, as it was in Brantford. :)

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  3. One last note... you should probably be grateful that he wasn't driving through Ottawa. Doc probably would have sent you out to report on it.

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  4. I have to add: I just saw the David Lee Roth story on Google News... so it does exist outside of CTV... to give an idea of the article's significance, it was below 'Sex even better after 70', but listed above 'Live Nation signs contract with Nickelback'... but don't get me started on Nickelback, that's a whole other story..

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  5. C'mon Scott! I'm not Walter Kronkite here! This isn't a news blog...it's things that amuse me. Besides, you're describing the Daily Show...which may actually be the most informative half-hour on TV...and at least this story was above Nickelback. I think that's good. A non-story about Van Halen is slightly bigger than a big story about Nickelback? There may be hope for the world after all!

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  6. I was also referring to the reporting on the morning show on CHEZ. :)

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  7. I know, I know - Randall actually IS Walter Cronkite...which is why he stayed out of the whole thing...and why he stays out of most things...

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  8. Scott .... just to clarify ..we were talking about the TV stations report because it was FUNNY AS ALL HELL ...... we certainly weren't taking it seriously .... quote " you could tell he's not from around here cuz he's slim and not bad looking?" ....how can you not laugh your bag off at that?

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  9. Sure, that's funny stuff. And my wife and I did laugh at that. It's the references to the fact the TV station was making such a big deal out of it that I found ironic, because that's exactly what I felt that CHEZ was doing, except in reference to the TV station making a big deal. You KNOW the same thing would have happened here in Ottawa. Kind of a pot/kettle thing.

    Sorry.... maybe I needed less blood flowing through my caffeine system yesterday morning. But I get that same feeling more and more while listening to CHEZ in the morning. Make a big deal out of nothing, then point the finger at others who do the same.

    While I'm at it... the same thing applies to all the whining about the whiners in Ottawa. I love CHEZ, but the routine is getting old. People love to complain, no matter where they're from or where they live. That's a fact. So why go on and on about it?

    Damn... maybe I should have just written my own blog entry.

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