Monday, May 19, 2008

Last day of peace.

Coming up, I have a massive week of workouts. Painful, extreme, hardcore workouts that are apparently going to whip me into shape in a scant four days. Now, I certainly could stand to lose a couple of pounds. Or...a couple of dozen pounds. And I have always maintained that if I ever lose weight and become slim, it will be thanks to physical activity and sports, not through dieting or changing what I eat. I mean, I love what I eat, and I would rather live an active delicious life than a sedentary bland one. But Doc and Woody are not exactly looking out for my health here. This isn't like a tour of yoga gyms and tai-chi classes. This is going to be a tough week. Here's how it breaks down:

Tuesday: Final Round Boxing. I will be doing a boxing workout, which sounds kind of sissy when you think about Rocky punching meat and running on the beach and skipping rope. But they have suggested that I get into the ring and actually spar with some of their competitive team. So...I'm sure that sparring is a fairly intense workout. But I'm also certain Doc and Woody have sent me there only to get pummeled.

Wednesday: Krav Maga. This is that Israeli secret-service and FBI defense training martial arty thing. I am told that I will be learning to fend off two knife-wielding attackers for up to three minutes. It isn't the knives that scare me, it's the three minutes. I watched Munich. I don't want to mess around with any Israeli commandos. I'm good. The note from the Krav Maga guys closes with this: "One note - it is essential that Eric bring groin protection." Now tell me - what does getting hit in the groin have to do with getting into shape? Seriously.

Thursday: Boot Camp. I kow all about Boot Camp. I have seen it on TV. It's where teens on the Maury Povich show are out of control, and so they get sent to this place where guys scream at them, and they cry, and then they come home all better. There was also a recent movie called Boot Camp, starring Mila Kunis, and she gets naked in it. Here is a review from a respected movie critic: Anyway, I think I can handle R. Lee Ermey shouting at me and calling me Private Pyle for a few hours. Here is a link to a respected movie critic's review of Private Pyle: Anyway. I'm supposed to bring my own mat and hand weights - how hardcore can something be when you use 8-pound hand weights? Really? And bringing my own stuff? This seems like a lot of effort...

Friday: The NFL workout. Former Miami Dolphins player Mark Hatfield runs a strength, agility, balance and speed camp. I have average strength, below average balance, next to no agility and the speed of a walrus. His note says that this camp has "many ways to make a grown man cry". It also closes with this quote: "You set a goal to be the best and then you work hard every hour of every day, striving to reach that goal." I'm crying already.

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