Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I sure hope this ends up costing $400,000.00...

There is a debate going on in the Ontario legislature. A massive debate. A gigantic debate. A debate of gargantuan proportions. Should they, or should they not, recite the Lord's Prayer before each assembly? This is a very important issue, and one I think can not be dismissed lightly. You see, I am an avid fan of the Ontario legislature assembly television program. I never miss a single episode, whenever it is on TV and on whatever channel it is on. I just can't get enough of this riveting TV spectacle. More engaging than The Wire, more exciting than The Sopranos, the Ontario Legislature Assembly is must-watch television. The only problem with this otherwise excellent and adrenaline-fueled programming is the lack of a theme song. And without a 1980-sythnesizer theme, like the one from Matlock, or an all-time classic rock masterpiece, like a CSI, how am I to know the show has begun? I could be out in the kitchen, making my traditional medium-salsa and green-peppers and three-cheese-blend nachos, that I eat every day while watching the Ontario legislature assemble, with my traditional pepsi and my traditional poutine dessert. And the show could begin, and I wouldn't even have known it started! There is no theme music!

Enter the Lord's Prayer. The fact that Ontario recites this at the beginning of the program is the only way I will know it's time to throw those nachos in the microwave, hastily grab my pepsi from the fridge, and leap onto the couch for eleven of the most riveting TV hours of the week. Or however long it is. On whatever channel at whatever time. As the prayer goes on, I get more and more excited for the upcoming television excellence, in much the same way I get more excited at the end of the Hockey Night in Canada theme song than I was when it began. But now, there is a controversy, and an ISSUE. And a committee has been formed to hear from 50 different religious and non-religious groups in order to come to an informed consensus on what should be done. Should the prayer be repealed? Replaced with something else? A decision this important can't be left to plain old common sense, it needs something as astute and specialized as a committee. So over the next ten or eleven months, this committee will meet at high-end restaurants and discuss this most pressing ISSUE over the choicest cuts of filet mignon, while sipping after-dinner brandies and really tackling the subject, getting to the meat of the ISSUE.

And then they will decide something. I, for one, hope they decide to replace the Lord's Prayer. Not on any relgious, or anti-religious, or apathetic grounds, but because it doesn't always cut through. It is not distinctive enough to remind me to get those nachos out of the microwave and prepare my pepsi. Sometimes I miss the cue altogether. So I suggest a theme song instead. Imagine Dalton McGuinty entering the assembly to the sounds of Greatest American Hero - believe it or not, I'm walking on air/I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee/Flying away on a wing and a prayer, who could it be?/Believe it or not, it's just meeeeeee! Now THAT would signal that entertainment is on it's way! And it would signal to me, in no uncertain terms, that it's time to take them nachos out and grab dat pepsi. Oh, what a glorious thought!

Of course, they will pretend there are other reasons for this debate. Religion and pressure and lobby groups and so forth. But I (and now you) know the truth. It is merely a search for a new theme song. And rightly so. I mean, there couldn't be another reason to debate this, could there? I mean, if there was, who in their right mind would care? Other than those 5,700 people who sent emails to the legislature about the subject. Most in favour of the MacGyver theme. Da-da-da-da-da-da-daaaaa...da-da-da...which would be OK too. After all, it's about tradition, isn't it? Just like my nachos and pepsi and poutine.


  1. Dude! You forgot the bacon on your nachos

  2. No, I did NOT! Bacon nachos are a tradition I save for an even more compelling television ritual - the one where I sit down from 3:00 until 5:30 every Thursday and watch the Carleton University schedule scroll onto the TV over and over. Frankly, I'm so anxious to get to the TV to watch the Ontario legislature that I don't have TIME to cook bacon as well as chop up green peppers.