Monday, April 28, 2008

Tyra Banks is the most dangerous woman on television!

I saw a snippet of the Tyra Banks show as I walked past the television today. She had a bunch of girls on the it a "panel" when you're doing nothing of journalistic note or redeeming social value? I wonder. Anyway, there were a bunch of girls who had just experienced their first week working at the Bunny Ranch, the legal brothel out in...Vegas? Whatever. I didn't pay close attention. So these young, attractive women who have decided to become hookers are talking about how great it is. One has her wide-eyed, sad-looking, submissive boyfriend with her. Another has her creepy father with her. And they filmed their first sex-for money transactions (well, their first in the Bunny Ranch, anyway). And although Tyra Banks wants to be righteously indignant, she also doesn't want to make her guests angry, so she asks no tough questions, and lets them go ahead and glamorize the life of a prostitute. And then asks the boyfriends the tough questions. Like, why would you stay with a girl who is a hooker? And that sort of hard-hitting journalistic thing.

And these girls say things like "he knows I love him, and only him, because he's the only one I don't charge for sex". Whee! Now THAT's true love. Nothing against prostitutes, male or female. Hey - ply whatever trade makes you happy. But if your most intimate relationship is based on a mutual agreement not to pay for sex - with each other - you might have problems. And then I realized - THIS is the most interesting, "hard-hitting" Tyra episode I have ever seen as I walked by the TV! THIS! Which is kind of like saying the episode with the black KKK member and the girl sleeping with her own grandmother was the most culturally significant episode of Jerry Springer of all time. In short, it is saying nothing. This show is a total sinkhole, and watching it will ruin young minds faster than pinball and syphilis combined.

The main problem with the Tyra Banks show is that it is presented as an actual talk show. Like, a show where issues are discussed, and the truth will be sought after...Tyra seems to think she is the host of 60 Minutes - for functionally idiotic hot women. It's a constant stream of things that dumb people can latch onto as some kind of social commentary, or some kind of important investigation - Tyra dresses up as a fat chick, and she is...treated differently! This REALLY opens her eyes! It is SO much easier to be hot. And they say they want to do this episode because it calls attention to the fact that fat people are people too, and that ugly people are just as pretty inside as other don't mock them...blah blah blah. But really, what it tells people watching (young girls especially) - God! The LAST thing in the world you want to be is fat! Look what happened to Tyra! And she's already pretty! But the point it misses is this - as a "test subject" for a moronic excercise such as this, Tyra Banks is not a good control group.

People already know who Tyra Banks is. So when she is regular (young and thin and hot), people are not necessarily responding to her as a hot chick, they are responding to her as a famous hot chick. Big difference. An attractive guy may get treated better than, say, me - at a fancy restaurant or a La Senza store or something. But that guy gets treated nowhere near as well as Brad Pitt when he walks in there. Right? So now it's fat, ugly, covered-in-makeup nobody vs. celebritry-hot-chick Tyra Banks. It isn't necessarily that people are treating you worse when you're fat, it's that they're treating you way too nicely when you're normal! (I must say, however, that if I worked in retail and had to deal with Tyra Banks, I would give her the worst service ever, on general principle.) So she does this show where she shows (or pretends to show) that it's OK to be overweight in this crazy world. Then, the next episode, she walks around in a bikini to prove to the world that the pictures of her in the tabloids where it looks like she got fat are NOT TRUE! You see, y'all? I got a bangin' body still y'all!

But this is not where Tyra Banks is most dangerous. When she celebrates Black History Month by honouring a black person who has done a tremendous amount for the black community, and that person turns out to be Tyra Banks, that is still not where she is most dangerous. It isn't even in that dreadful movie Coyote Ugly, which tells young girls that being hot isn't everything in this world, as long as you're a bitch. And hot. No, it's on America's Next Top Model, where she does the most damage. Now, I understand, to some degree, my girlfriend and her friends getting together to watch this show. They are, legitimately, haridressers, and they do, legitimately, look at the hairstyles. But this is merely the raison d'etre of their Wednesday - Wendnesday? I think Wednesday night get-togethers, and soon they get sucked in to the show itself. And they start to care which model said what to whom and who is going home this week. I have watched this show once with them, and I was shushed - shushed! while Tyra Banks went through contestant after contestant. "Congratulations Felicity, you're still in the running for the prize of becoming America's Next Top Model." "Congratulations Trudy, you're still in the running for the prize of becoming America's Next Top Model." "Congratulations Vanilla, you're still in the running"...same phrase. Same exact words. Same delivery. Thirteen girls. That's HALF THE SHOW!

I suppose in a way I deserved to be shushed. After all, I was adding nothing constructive to the program or the conversation, and all I was doing was loudly cursing cancer on Tyra Banks, or hoping aloud that she be accidentally wounded or injured. Or decapitated. Whatever. But no longer will I be doing this. I am now afraid. From a Seattle newspaper: "A woman who suffered life-threatening stab wounds to her chest and neck Wednesday allegedly was attacked by another woman who had been upset that she was too loud while watching 'America's Next Top Model.'" Yes, this show is now stab-worthy. Actually, this is the original reason I started writing this post. Doc mentioned this in the morning and suggested that I would likely blog about it today, hating Tyra Banks as I do. And I didn't want to let him down, so I started out intending to do that, but I got carried away. No time now. I don't want this post to go on and on and on and on or anything.


  1. 100% agree with you on all of your points! I thought that she was the worst thing to hit television, solely because at some point I believe that her forehead will take over the world! But when I read your review of the "hookers" show, I was repulsed! What else do our youth need in the way of things that will ruin you life? Thanks! Great blog by the way!!



  2. all of you people are just haters. Tyra is the bomb!!!!!!

  3. keekkeke are are a good writer only wish you write things as constuctive as your writing skills...

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