Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Things I see on my vacation.

I get exposed to so much more bad TV when I am on holidays. I have learned to avoid Tyra Banks wherever she is, and I can usually find a reason to skip Dr. Phil and Oprah, but some things sneak up on you. Commercials, for example. I recently saw a commercial for a new K-Y product. It was called K-Y "intrigue"! For most of the commercial I was convinced I was watching a perfume commercial - the same exact commercials as the perfume ones. A couple doing non-descript in-love type stuff, touching each other while they laugh on a beach, or they smell flowers together on the apartment balcony, or they form silhouettes behind shower curtains...come to think of it, it was more like those diamond commercials than it was like a perfume commercial. Anyway. It was a commercial for a new type of personal lubricant. K-Y intrigue. Kinda sounds like a new brand of Toyota, doesn't it? They could have advertised it with a serpentine road and wind in the couple's hair and the lady's feet out the window and the guy playing with the radio...people would be out looking for the new Intrigue car within hours. As I'm sure they are out looking for Intrigue perfume or diamonds right now.

So I was a little upset. How different could this be than regular K-Y? WHY would I need a new, sexier-sounding personal lubricant? Frankly, I'm not interested enough to find out. Then my girlfriend flipped channels, and got stuck on something that was even worse. Tracey Gold (of Growing Pains fame), Maurice Greene (at one time the World's Fastest Man), and some lawyer were the actual jury in an actual trial on one of those court TV shows where a dog bit another dog and there were vet bills...I watched in horror for six seconds, which was just long enough to realize that this was serious, and I buried my head in my book so as not to have it explode. What level of celebrity do you have to be when you are not a B-list star (Dancing With the Stars), a C-list star (your own reality show - Gene Simmons, Tori Spelling, et al) a D-list star (I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here), an E-list star (guest appearances on Law and Order)...does that make you F-list? When you appear on a court TV show as a Celebrity Jury member? This is very sad. Not so much that they're willing to do it, but that people are willing to watch.

I wonder what Maurice Greene thinks about liability for veterinary bills in a dog attack incident? I wondered as I woke up...and lo and behold...this show did teach me one thing however. There is absolutlely no point in becoming an Olympic athlete. Quick! Name five famous 100-metre sprinters! name five NFL wide receivers! I wonder which you can do become the Olympic gold medallist, and the Fastest Man In The World, you have to train. An awful lot. If you are that fast, and training that much, go into football. At least then people will know who you are. And maybe, like Jerry Rice, you become a B-lister and end up on Dancing With The Stars. Otherwise, you will become an F-lister, like Maurice Greene, and end up on whatever that show was called. I don't know the name of it, but I do remember seeing that if you go to the right website, and enter in the right code or maybe the name of Tracey Gold, you can win a hammock. A hammock! I wonder if Doc's enjoying San Diego.

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