Thursday, April 17, 2008


In a move that is sure to offend my neighbours as I continue to go shirtless while doing my yard work over the coming five weeks, I was half-sugared today. Sugaring, from what I understand (and from what the lovely Maureen, whom you see here, tells me) is a process that is far better than waxing. Sugaring does something to hair that makes sure none grows back for five weeks or six weeks or something. And it isn't as itchy when it grows back as it would be were I waxed instead. However, I can say (as I don't think too many guys can) that sugaring is more painful than waxing. Waxing (which I once had done...elsewhere...) comes off all at once, in a strip. Sugaring you have to yank and yank and yank, getting a small amount of hair off each time, until the skin is silky smooth. And half my stomach and a portion of my chest are now silky smooth.

Doc and Woody, the barstool philosophers that they are, decided that "which hurts more - chest waxing or ass waxing?" is an age-old question, debated in bars from the Prescott to the Elmdale to the Brig to the Orleans Broadway. And they were going to settle this debate once and for all. By having both done to me. And they were both done to me, this morning. (Count yourself lucky I spared you the ass-sugaring picture. For those of you who are masochists or just freaky, here is a link: that is the photo gallery.) Maureen and Linda came in with their products, some stuff that goes on before the sugar, the stuff that goes on after that stuff, the stuff that makes the sugaring possible...and the cream to make it all better afterward. Maureen, while very sweet, had a real knack for putting me on edge. While we were off the air, Randall was asking her how often she did something like this. She looked at me and said "like this? Oh, never something like this. Usually it's the personal trainer types." At first I thought she meant vain, high-on-themselves guys who are too in love with their bodies, and I was flattered. It turns out, however, she just meant "attractive".

I was worried about the rubber gloves. Was she wearing gloves to protect her hands from the chemicals that she was then going to put on MY skin? No, she said. The gloves were so that she didn't get my blood on her. Thanks! Then she sugared (NOT waxed) my chest, my stomach, and my buttocks, while I enjoyed creeping the guys out in my disposable thong. Yes, someone, somewhere, makes disposable thongs. Who knew. Follow the link above to see one...although I wouldn't recommend it. She was very nice, very professional, and very gentle and sympathetic as she applied the soothing balm afterward. I think this was likely the first time she had done this to someone against their will. And after all of that, I think we are no closer to a real answer to Doc and Woody's "age-old question". The stomach part hurt so much more than either of the other two that when it was over I couldn't remember whether it was the chest or the butt that was more painful.

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