Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Toys For Boys.

It's over. The big winner was a man, one whose name I was not able to catch in the madness last night, but one who will be calling the Doc and Woody show this morning to share his thoughts on leaving Philthy McNastys last night with more than 110,000 bucks in prizes. It was a fine party, and went smoothly, although I realized that toward the end, when almost everyone had gone through and played their CDs, that the sphincters of the promo people were tightening, worried that the proper CD was not in there. Their sphincters tightened even more when Doc pointed out how tight their sphincters truly were. But of course, the right CD was in there, and the winner was suitably overcome and ecstatic, and 174 people went home disappointed. Well, most didn't seem too upset, the party was good enough that people had a good time just being there. I met several great people, like the guy who signed my anti-snow petition several hundred times to boost my numbers, the lady who once helped me and a listener win a "turkey run" on Thanksgiving a few years ago by driving like Jimmy Johnson in her bright yellow VW beetle, and dozens of other friendly folk. I thought, since I have been at every event for Toys For Boys leading up to the party, I would reminisce a little about the past few weeks and my favourite moments:

Bathrooms First: The first bonus code event for Toys For Boys, last year Bathrooms First was a sparsely-attended event, unfortunately coinciding with a massive snowstorm. This year, the weather pretty much held out, and more people were able to make it out. 10,000 dollars toward a bathroom may seem like a lot, but it won't last long if you purchase the toilet Howie Mandel made famous - the one where everything is remote-controlled and you don't have to touch anything. For ten grand, you could get two. Which would be kinda awesome. My favourite moment at the event was when I got to meet the couple who won the trip to Montreal to see Ozzy Osbourne, and a big Ozzy package to go along with it. They are the biggest Ozzy fans I have ever met, that trip for them was amazing, and they were still buzzing about it. Rarely do I meet people who are still that thrilled over a prize they've won. Maybe only Toys For Boys winners. Although I never seem to see them again. They just drop off the face of the earth and go live wherever rich people live.

Philthy McNastys: This event was at the same place we held the party, and it was one of the best we've done. The main reason it was so great was that people stuck around. It wasn't just grabbing a bonus code and taking off, people stayed to eat (the food is great) and have beer, and watch the hockey game. I got to watch hockey and drink beer while I was "working"! Terrific. Tiffany and I amused ourselves by reading the names on the Canadian Wall of Fame at the back and seeing which ones were mis-spelled. My personal favourite was the special place on the wall (and in the hearts of Canadians) for The Gus Who. But what do you expect from a place that mis-spells Filthy? One of our fantastic long-time listeners, Wolfgang, brought me a turntable, and we conducted the transaction as though we were doing some kind of drug deal, very secretive. Also, Philthys is close to my house, and I have a place to watch hockey every time one of those obnoxious pay-per-view events comes on.

Sub-Zero Hot Tubs: Before the event, Adam, the sales rep, had me memorize some line or other. Like..."the four day blowout of all 2007 model hot tubs and pool tables", or something like that. I had it memorized when I got there. I have since forgotten. But it was very important that I knew this and said it verbatim during every on-air segment. And I did. I repeated this phrase over and over on my way there, and I was ready to go. Which of course was not necessary, as Adam had written it down for me on several sheets of paper. No faith. It made me laugh though - it reminds me of the days when the radiothons are going on. Snowsuit Fund, or whatever it might be. And we come in early in the morning to see the phone number for CHEZ taped to every surface in the studio. We can't see each other because the papers are right in our lines of vision. And they all say CHEZ - 750-1061. That's it. If we don't already know that...we take them down and ignore them, but they're right back up there the next year. I got to see tow of my favourite listeners, Francine and Pierre, the NASCAR freaks, but my favourite moment at SubZero was when someone brought in a puppy. A tiny, almost-newborn puppy. And Tiffany's voice instantly rose about six octaves, so she sounded like Joey Lauren Adams on helium, and only the dog could really hear her. Puppies and babies. Gets 'em every time.

Laurentian Marine: A sort of out-of-the-way place just off Hunt Club, and yet incredibly well attended for such a small shop. On the bus on the way there, I ran into one of the Doc and Woody show's most frequent...contributors?...Kirk, who had brought us some golf stuff he was no longer using. Which was a solid way to spend the last half hour on the bus. It took me about two hours to get to Laurentian on the bus, and I ended up cutting it about as close as I could, showing up for the 3:00 event at about 3:10. Which is not something I make a habit of doing, but it does make me laugh when I see people panicking in the moment when I arrive. Mostly sales guys though, I don't like stressing Tiffany out. Well...not as much, anyway. Toward the end of the event, I called my girlfriend to come pick me up. She chose a location a little ways down Hunt Club to meet me, since she knew how to get there. I had to get our sales woman, Stacy, to drive me to the meeting-place, only to find out it was like two blocks away. My girlfriend doesn't do too well driving in the snow, and I drove home. And Stacy was kind enough to give me a lift despite the fact that I had shown up at the last possible second, and had continually referred to the "Princecraft Fishing Boat" as a "Pinecrest Fishing Boat" the whole time I was there.

Gearhead: Working off my debt a little, after causing some havoc there earlier, this was a good time. Mary and Dan, the owners, had hired a bunch of hot young girls to help out in the store as greeters, and I'm not sure what purpose they served but they certainly created a great atmosphere for our listeners. Dan and Mary are two of the nicest people on earth, and since I set off their alarm and knocked over their display case, I have been wearing a Gearhead hat, sort of as my way of saying "you deserve what advertising I can provide". I recently lost the hat though when one of our sales guys made me take it off at a Rona event. Rona now selling motorcycles as they do, I guess it was competition? Or something. But they have agreed to send me another one. When I was in there they had a photo sheet made for me of the pictures they took when I was setting off their alarms. I love it.

Performance Mazda: Last on the list, the RX8 parked proudly outside, and bumped back to avoid that massive weekend snowstorm, this was by far our best-attended T4B event. Mark has always been terrific, and I would really like to see him driving the RX8 some day. He told me last night that he does drive it, but seeing as he must be six foot eight, it has to look kinda funny. My buddy Eric came by this event and hung out for a bit, saying the things I don't have the energy to say. When a young man came up to us and suggested that he hated Theory of a Deadman, we agreed. Then he explained his reasoning, that being that Theory of a Deadman are especially terrible because they are ripping off the most original, consistent and brilliant band in Canadian history...Nickelback. I turned to give bonus codes away to other people, while Eric stage-whispered into my ear "I think that's the unabomber". Eric went on to point something dreadful out to me. Nickelback's latest album has set the record for most #1 singles on one album with nine. NINE #1 singles. Nickelback. This breaks the record of 8, which was set by...Def Leppard. Both albums had a song called Photograph that hit #1. So we decided to record a song called Photograph, just to get rich. Then we will buy matching RX8s.


  1. Well it's about time a man won, we are so sick of the guys bitching about " I bet another woman that will win again"..Finally guys get over it..Your on the map

  2. Which band is worse, Theory Of A Deadman or Rush?

  3. Nice write-up on Toys For Boys, Eric.

    My girlfriend (who won a key) and I had an awesome time. Not only was the waitress staff quite the eye-candy, but the platters of everything from veggies to chicken wings was a bonus.

    Even though she didn't win the big prize, walking out of there with the Def Leppard tickets at the end of the night completely made our night.

    Thank you for a wonderful evening.

  4. Theory of a Deadman is worse than Rush. Much as I hate the Rush...Theory of a Deadman is a lot more half-assed, and therefore more awful. Glad you got the Leppard tix, that'll be a heck of a triple bill. Even if I don't particularly love those bands, a whole three-concert set is always an absolute blast - best time I have had at a show (well, aside from The Who) was the Deep Purple - April Wine - Mountain show a couple of years ago!