Thursday, February 21, 2008

Idiocy...theirs or mine? (Ow My Balls)

There is an underrated movie out on DVD right now called Idiocracy. It stars Luke Wilson, and suggests that the world in general is getting dumber and dumber. That the stupidest of people tend to be the ones who breed the most, and that over many many years, the world will be absolutely dumb. Wilson wakes up from a coma in this idiotic future, and is the smartest man alive. The people in this future world water their crops with Gatorade and watch a TV program called "Ow My Balls". It's basically America's Funniest Home Videos, with all that cute pet stuff cut out and just the shots to the junk left in. Watching the film, it's not too far-fetched an idea. We, the human race, may just be getting dumber and dumber. And I am not helping. I should clearly know by now how things turn out. I should know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that no matter what Doc is thinking of doing, it could well turn out quite badly for me.

So we're talking about corporate retreats and the hilarious goings-on that take place at such events. Like where our sales department goes out to some cabin in the woods and in the middle of the drinking and gambling, find time to give each other awards and collaborate in sewing a trust quilt. Or, such is my understanding. I believe they also learn an interprretive "trust dance" that they perform for the camp counsellors at the end of the retreat. So I thought this was all it was going to be, and when Doc asked me if I trusted him, I figured he was going to do one of those obnoxious things like having me fall backward and he catches me, and we would all have a good laugh at the inanity of such a thing. But no, he wanted me to lie on my back with a golf tee holding a golf ball in my mouth, so he could hit that golf ball with his 5-wood. And I should have known then that it was not a good idea, but I felt that Doc would be able to hit the ball clean from the tee, and I would be in no real danger.

But he had not brought a tee. Which led to him trying to set the ball directly on my face, which was not going to work. I made sure it kept falling off, because at that point, I was not letting anyone hit a ball directly off my face. But before I knew it, the ball was placed quickly onto my crotch, and before I even knew what was happening, he was taking his swing. Now, to Doc's credit, he choked up and gave a half swing, and picked the ball fairly cleanly off the front of my trousers. However, even a clean shot from such a lie is bound to create at the very least a small divot, and so there was. It was a glancing blow, but even at that, as many of you guys well know, a glancing blow can be just as painful if not more painful as a direct hit. And so it was. Well, in the end the pain faded fairly quickly, and I am none the worse for wear at the moment. But it does cause me to question my sanity a little. All well and good when we're discussing Gene Simmons and his lackluster performance in his newly released sex tape, but when the boys start running around with drunken-frat-boy ideas first thing in the morning, my job is as strange as they come.


  1. Poor Eric,
    Sounds like Doc and Woody have reduced you from whipping boy down to groomed dirt suitable for golfing. Talk about being treated like a doormat. But the real sharp knife must have come when, live on the air to possibly dozens of listeners, Doc and/or Woody exclaimed that your belly which needed to be sucked in, was getting in the way of your crotch. I don't really think that it was necessary for them two hooligans to insult your physical appearance in addition to the regular degradation and humiliation which you endure at their hands almost daily.
    Hope you can live this one down Eric and that you don't develop some kind of messy psychological disorder because of Doc/Woody. They would probably miss you terribly if you were forced to go on long-term mental and emotional disability due to their abuse. You might be left smoking and drinking all you want all spring and summer and not getting up early for work @ 5a.m.; BUT still collecting most of your paycheck because of the disability they caused.
    Woudn't that be just a shame?
    Hope you get better soon,
    Mrs. Mama

  2. Hey Eric,
    Just curious.
    Was Doc aware of your most recent visit to a hospital for treatment of a stomach abcess before he so heartlessly swung a golf ball off your belly?
    Just wondering because I heard on the show this morning that they were both unaware of kindness week.