Friday, January 12, 2007

Half-assed: The Masterpiece.

I am now a qualified artist. Many months ago, I applied for a government grant for arts. They said I needed a portfolio first. They also said I would hear if I had my money within 3-5 months. It has been six. I haven't heard. But now I have a portfolio, and it's all thanks to my giant ass.

Creating a masterpiece with one's butt is more difficult than it seems. It requires a vision, pinpoint control, and an understanding of the blending of colours. Blending, because when your behind is as big as mine is, blending will naturally take place, and you must be prepared.

Randall called my work "minimalist". Not because he understands art, but because he saw how little effort I put into it. Ted called it "half-assed". That was more accurate, and it clearly fit the whole scenario, so that was what the painting was named. "Half assed: the Masterpiece". OK. I added "masterpiece".

In the end, the painting of the picture was not the best part of the day. The best part was the look on Randall's face as he struggled through the news while I prepared myself for the art project by cramming a thong up my back bits and cramming my front bits into the thong. No matter how "king size" a thong is, it is NOT built for men. As I popped out, again and again, Randall didn't turtle, he held his chin high, he took one for the team and made it through the news, one story at a time, before he gagged and ran out of the room.

All in the name of art.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

No microwaves...but still some ass painting

So I come into the station this morning. I've been working my butt off all day yesterday, getting CDs, golf balls, grapes, light bulbs and everything else one might want to try nuking in a microwave. The Spectrum Sound and Vision film crew is ready to come out and film the results of our ridiculous experiment. And I find out we're shut down. Kiboshed.

The lesson here is not that we shouldn't do things like this, it's that we shouldn't let the CHEZ lawyers know when we are going to do something like this. Apparently they were afraid some kid was going to hear what we did, and escalate from grapes to marshmallows to cell phones to laptops in his parents' microwave, and we could be sued. So no go. We can't do it.

Jason bore the brunt of the abuse this morning, as Doc blamed him for letting the lawyers in on it. I suppose it is partially his fault, but what I'm most distressed about is the fact that we now have a perfectly good microwave that we are allowed to destroy, and nothing with which we can destroy it. Bad news. So I plan to take it home over the weekend and do all this stuff myself. Just curious. I really want to know what will happen should I place a propane tank in the microwave. Just not in my kitchen.

Apparently the "creating a painting with my ass" portion of the show will go ahead as planned tomorrow, barring any interference from the lawyers. Who apparently could create diamonds with theirs.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Microwaves and ass-painting.

So tomorrow I will be doing one of two things. I will either be experimenting with some crazy ideas involving a microwave, or I will be painting with my ass. Either way, fun times are in store for me. After reading a list of "dumbest warning labels of the year", we decided to try one.

The dumbest warning labes include things like "don't put people inside washing machine", and "don't use microwave to dry your cell phone". Obviously, we chose to enact the cell phone in a microwave, since I'm too fat to fit in a washing machine. What's great about these warning labels is that they have to be based on actual incidents, things people have actually done. And possibly they have sued successfully after losing a limb in a washing machine accident. Who knows.

The ass-painting came from a story about an art teacher who was fired from his job when the school board found out that on the side he sells paintings that he makes with his own ass. He dips his ass (and sometimes his genitals) into paint, then uses them to create "art". Now, it sounds ridiculous, but he makes up to 900 bucks a painting to do this, so it must be reasonably profitable. If only mine will be that good. And it WILL! Perhaps I'll have a second career after all.

Monday, January 8, 2007

An Inconvenient Truth

Every afternoon at 3:20 on the Jeff Brown and Carly show, I do a segment called "cynical cinema" where I review movies that I think people should see, and sometimes movies that suck. Friday I reviewed Al Gore's film, An Inconvenient Truth, in which he attempts to warn the world about the dangers of global warming. I have never received so much email in my life from people who wanted to set me straight.

"Do your research!" "Stop fear-mongering!" "Global warming is a myth!"

I feel like Randall Moore after an especially controversial commentary. But this is why it's called An Inconveninet Truth. Because it's inconvenient to believe it's happening. It's far easier to believe that we're doing nothing wrong, we can keep on keeping on, and this is just some crazy left-wing scare tactic. That way we can keep driving our SUVs by ourselves as we head to work, start the SUV in the parking lot fifteen minutes before we get in, crank the heat in our house up to 24 before we leave so it's warm when we come back, and drive to the corner store rather than walk the two blocks. More convenient.

It strikes me that the scientists who attempt to de-bunk global warming are the same ones who are commissioned by Focus-On-The-Family-type groups to prove an alternative theory to evolution. Global warming, however, is not something like religion where you can choose to buy into it or not. I suppose, however, you CAN choose not to believe. However, even if that were the case, why not do the same things the rest of us should be doing? You know, energy efficient light bulbs. Driving less. Things like that.

When you look at it objectively, who cares whether you buy into it or not? Either way, doesn't it make sense to keep your tires inflated to use less gas? Or to use energy-effecient light bulbs to save some money in the long run? And what IF global warming is some big conspiracy of scientists? And we still try to stop it? What's the harm in that? Even if it is all a hoax, (and it isn't), there WILL be an energy crisis in the near future. We should all be trying to do something about it, and we should all be watching An Inconvenient Truth.