This whole God damn business has got me thinking. Why The Pusher? Why not a thousand other songs, dozens of which are played on CHEZ? I love my top ten lists, so here is a top ten list of the songs that offend our lord and saviour. If you download them, you will be making God angry, and you will also be making record company execs angry. And Lars Ulrich will cry. So don't do it.
#10. Jesus is Just Alright - The Doobie Brothers. Jesus is just alright? It sounds like the Doobie Brothers are "damning" Jesus with faint praise here. Isn't saying that he is JUST alright tantamount to saying "Jesus is NOT fantastic"? He's not rotten, but he's not terrific either. He's just alright, and he's offended. So are the zealots.
#9. Imagine - John Lennon. Obvious, I know. But imagine there's no heaven? It's EASY? Heathen! Of course there is a heaven, and you can only go there if there are things to kill for, like countries and religion and possessions. So to imagine that those things do not exist also ruins us in the eyes of God!
#8. Clean Up Your Own Backyard - Elvis Presley. A preacher who doesn't practice what he preaches? He ducks out of sight and cheats on his wife? A preacher? Not only is this implausible and likely would never take place, it is also blasphemous. Elvis currently resides in Hell. Or maybe Utah.
#7. Superstition - Stevie Wonder. "When you believe in things you don't understand, then you suffer." Suffer when I DON'T understand? Ridiculous! The whole point of calling something a belief is that you DON'T understand it, but you believe it anyway! Otherwise, it would be called a FACT.
#6. Friend of the Devil - The Grateful Dead. FRIEND of the Devil? The Devil HAS no friends, just like the homosexuals and the sodomites and the people with nose piercings and that fat kid in school who smelled like cabbage.
#5. 9th Symphony - Ludwig Van Beethoven. Ode to Joy? JOY? How can an avowed atheist and follower of Goethe have ever known joy without the touch of the lord? Impossible. (He has been reinstated lately, thanks to his deathbed conversion where he allowed priests to administer the sacraments.)
#4. Religious Vomit - The Dead Kennedys. Umm...no such thing I'm afraid. If you read your bible carefully, you will discover that you are not allowed to have bodily functions. Sex of course is banned outright, and so is going to the bathroom. Religious vomit? Oxymoron!
#3. Jesus Thinks You're a Jerk - Frank Zappa. Jesus thinks I'M a jerk? Well then, I think Jesus is a jerk...uh-oh. Thanks Zappa, I guess it's hell for all of us!
#2. Atheist Peace - Bad Religion. OK...atheist peace is not possible. Peace is attainable only through religious wars. Therefore, no peace is possible without war, and no war would take place without religion. Caught you! You're wrong! ("Bad" Religion must refer to one of the OTHER religions, like the Mennonites.)
#1. It Ain't Necessarily So - George Gershwin, as performed by Sammy Davis Jr. No, Gershwin. It IS necessarily so, because a book told me. Don't go doing that independant thought thing or I will curse you.
Honourable mention goes to Jimmy Buffett for his timeless classic "My Feet Stink, My Head Hurts, and I Don't Love Jesus", and to XTC for "Dear God". They didn't make the list because they are not terrific songs. Losing My Religion gets mentioned only as a way of saying R.E.M. sucks. Oh, and that death metal band Deicide? Yeah, they suck too. But none of them suck as much as religious fundamentalists. Also and alas, none of them are as funny!
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
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6 comments:
That was a pretty sad (but funny) phone call this morning. Definitely an example of "hear what you want to hear". Dog Gammit.
It certainly was funny. But I agree, it does make me sad that these people exist!
"Christ, you know it aint easy.."
I can hear the 9 O'Clock supersets being pulled together already ;-)
Well, if the lady has a problem with a 40 year old rock tune about damning the Pusher, maybe you should consider putting forth a more positive message like "GOD SAVE the Queen" ( by the Sex Pistols, of course ) or perhaps a nice country tune like this
We dont get to hear enough of this kind of morally uplifting Faith Hill type material anymore since Jeff buggered off with his Stompin Tom collection :-)
It's true. Stompin' Tom WAS morally uplifting. And I think God Save the Queen should make an appearance or two - after all, it can't be offensive since it's so pro-God, pro-Queen and pro-Country. The Pistols, God Bless Them, are saying they would like God to save their fascist queen and her fascist regime. and God loves fascists, right?
He certainly does favor facists. But thats no way to talk about Doc :-)
But, the good lord does indeed work in mysterious ways, for which I am always grateful
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Salma_hayek_thanks_god
PS : a few spins of "Are You Drinkin With me Jesus ?" by Mojo Nixon or the Beat Farmers, might in order as well
For another great "HERESY!!!1one"-type song, Voltaire's "God Thinks" is pretty hilarious.
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