Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Some help for your sales meetings.

The boys found the phrase "corporate strap-on" quite descriptive this morning. So much so that Woody suggested I create some sort of on-line lexicon for those who would like to use this new sort of terminology in their business meetings. In that spirit, I will begin with:

1. The Coporate Strap-on. This is what you receive when the corporation for which you work takes by force, from you, the dignity you desperately cling to, in order to make more money. For example, you say "I am worth this much money to the company". And your company, which is, say, Wal-Mart, says "I'm sorry, we didn't make enough profit last year to justify any raises to our staff". Of course you know this is baloney. But you have no choice but to bend over and take it, because you need to keep your job. The most obvious example of the corporate strap-on is when you go to the gas pumps. Imperial Oil is making billions of dollars, and because you can't go on living and working without gas in your car, you bend over and they stick their Esso-brand strap-on right into your car, and by extension, your nether-regions.

2. The Fiscal Reach-Around. (This is a phrase coined by Woody, and I love it.) This takes place during the application of the Corporate Strap-On. While telling you that all they can afford is a three percent raise, the company may attempt to make you feel better by giving you the courtesy of a fiscal reach-around. This may take the form of a bonus. Like, three percent is all we can afford MONEY-wise, but what we'll do for you is this: Your salary will not increase at all, but we will give you stock options worth FIVE percent of your salary. This works for both of you. You get two percent MORE than before, financially benefitting you. Eventually. When and if you are allowed to cash out this stock. And it works for the company, because now they are able to pay you less actual money, and they also have made YOU financially dependant on THEM. It's win-win! As they say, It takes two people to execute a reach-around.

3. The Circle-Perk. This is a technique used by companies to ensure co-operation among co-workers. You see, the perks you receive depend upon the input of other employees. You get tickets to a hockey game. You take some clients. Those clients have a good time, and they decide to invest with your company. When they invest in your company, they give you gift certificates to THEIR company. You take those gift certificates and distribute them to your co-workers. They use those gift certificates, and enjoy the services of the new corporate partner. That partner makes more money, your company makes more money, and you get to attend a hockey game. Everyone wins, and YOUR company gets to reap the rewards and collect the money. They are then the recipients of all the quality results that come as a result of the Circle-Perk.

4. The Cluster Buck. Suppose you work for a company that actually owns many smaller companies. They group these companies together into something larger, something they call the "cluster". What is good for one small portion of the company good for the whole cluster. Each branch of the cluster would benefit immensely from working in tandem with the other branches. However, there is a chance that each branch is looking out for their own best interests at the expense of the cluster. This leads to a totally bucked-up situation, the Cluster Buck. Perhaps you need to realize that your own personal money is not as important in the grand scheme of things as the overall money of your cluster, and the umbrella corporation that owns that cluster. Remember the cluster buck is more important than your own buck. So don't buck up.

This is all I could think of for the time being. When I think of more, I will add to this on-line dictionary in the hopes that someday all these terms may be used in board rooms across our nation, lending veracity and accuracy to all corporate proceedings.

5 comments:

  1. I know this company biblically: I've been f*cked by it daily.

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  2. 99-percenter: True story. Profit sharing at my company is based achieving a profit target. One year our goal was $30M profit. We achieved $28M profit. "Oh so sorry...you didn't make the goal, so no profit sharing." Meanwhile, the directors split the profit sharing money amongst themselves because "they reduced expenses" aka profit sharing.

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  3. P.S. and then told us that because our profits were not achieved that the business was going through a hard patch and so there would be no pay raises this year. Despite the fact that $28M was the highest profit they had ever made in their history.

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  4. Mind you the profit sharing was a joke anyway. It amounted to around $1000 per person PRE TAX. So why be upset?

    One minute, let me grab my ankles...that way you can get in deeper.

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  5. I'm shocked that a profit-motivated company would do a thing like this! Absolutely shocked! Hmmm...there must be a great term for this. I'll think of one. It certainly sounds like they gave you the corporate strap-on in a big way, without even the courtesy of a fiscal reacharound.

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