Monday, July 16, 2007

Searching for Elvis...

People are nuts. Every now and then I see a pattern in leaves, a cloud that looks like a face, something like that. I think "neat" and I continue with my day. Not so for some. Suppose you made a grilled cheese sandwich, and you thought that there was a pattern on it that looked somewhat like a human face. What would be your first reaction? Would you say "neat", and then eat it? Probably. At least I'd like to hope so. But some will say, I could SELL this! On eBay! Thank God there is an eBay out there to give these people the publicity they richly deserve. I made some nachos, saw the face of the virgin mary in the cheese, and I preserved it in this handy ziploc container, and I expect to get eight or nine thousand dollars for it online. And there's another thing. If you DID see a face, and you DID decide to hang on to that grilled cheese, rather than eating it, would you just say "here's a neat face", or would you say "this is the face of the virgin Mary". To what kind of person would this be obvious?

The answer is, a lunatic. Not necessarily a religious zealot type of lunatic. But rather one of those opportunistic lunatics, the get-rich-quick schemers, the guys who invent products like the Jump To Conclusions Carpet. They see an opportunity, and saying that an image is Jesus or the virgin Mary is a sure bet. Because it preys on the lunacy of the religious zealots. But today we heard one we had never heard before. What is the next step after Jesus and Mary? Well, there is no way to say that you saw the face of God in a pine come. For all we know, the face of God IS a pine cone. So they grabbed the next best icon. Eschewing such obvious choices as Buddah and Vishnu, this woman saw...Elvis Presley. Well, he IS the king of rock and roll. In this case, mostly rock. Yes, a "rock collector" discovered a...rock...with the picture of Elvis unmistakeably imprinted on it's side. It was time to cash in.

I don't know what's going on with Doc. Either he is having financial troubles due to his chronic gambling, and he is desperate to get some kind of nest egg before he retires, or he has crossed the line and joined forces with the maniacs. His big idea this morning was to send me out to find something with the face of Elvis on it. I thought the whole thing was an excercise to show that if someone looked hard enough, they could see something in anything. So I grabbed three leaves and four rocks and went back to the studio. I showed them to Doc, explaining that I thought I could see Elvis in one of the rocks, another looked a little like a fish, one was a happy face, and another was a Mandelbrot set (which the six mathematicians who read this might find ironic). But no! Apparently, everyone had to be convinced! I though Elvis was there, or at least close enough. He had a chin, a nose, and a pompadour. Profile, sure, but good enough. Not so. I was sent back out.

Through fields around the station, our own rock gardens, and even with a brief bout of disgusting dumpster diving out back, I found a gem. A rock which (really) had a remarkable likeness of a Bing Crosby profile, wearing one of those old-timey hats with the flat tops and the wide Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. OK, maybe it was a profile of Dick Van Dyke. Whatever. It was good. But it was not Elvis. So I was sent out again. This time, I found the Bat symbol. You know, the one the mayor of Gotham City shines into the night sky when there are doings transpiring of a nefarious nature? It was on a rock. But not good enough. Or was it? No sooner did I raise the Bat Rock up to show Doc and Woody back in the studio, then who shows up? Bat Boy! Straight from the pages of the National Enquirer, Bat Boy appeared before me, delivered by chauffeur directly to the radio station where I was standing! I got him on the phone. It turned out to be Ottawa mayor Larry O'Brien, but what a coincidence, and what a discovery!

Frankly, I think the best cover for someone so sinister as Bat Boy is as mayor of a middle-sized, nondescript town in Canada. Most of the attention will be paid to the federal government, and so to some degree you can operate "under the radar" - get it? (I'm going to write comic books.) And you have a serious power base from which to execute your horrible and evil schemes. I'm watching you, O'Brien. You'll never get away with this! And I never found Elvis. I guess we at the Doc and Woody show are doomed to be poor, at least for another week, until Doc hatches yet another hare-brained get-rich-quick scheme.


  1. Ha! I worked backstage security at Bluesfest, and I was tempted to pick up the disgarded cigarette butt from Meg White and sell it on e-Bay!

  2. That might have got you 6, maybe 7 dollars! Maybe 12 if you had DNA proof...

  3. I knew a guy a couple of years ago who swore there was the image of Jesus baked into his fish stick. He kept it in the freezer, put it up on Ebay and waited. The story actually got some media attention back home (Kingston) but in the end he decided to keep it as the bids were not in the range he expected for such a find! This guy and his family are just a bunch of lowlifes probably looking for a quick buck, glad nobody bought into it.