Wednesday, July 11, 2007


When I was in college, there was a rabid feminist in my class. We got along fairly well for a long time, more so than she did with any of the other men in the class. This ended when it was oral presentation day in class. You see, she was doing her oral presentation on violence against women, a laudable cause and one that certainly requires more attention. However, she also brought along reading material for the class, and passed it out. It was about a hundred pages of violence-against-women statistics. The front page was a list of things that are ACTUALLY considered spousal abuse, even if you THINK they're just funny. Things like...kicking your wife out of a moving car? That's abusive. Torturing family pets in order to make her cry? Abusive. It turns out, in something that was a shock to no one, it is not just the closed fist punch that constitutes abuse. The open-handed slap or the bludgeoning of one's spouse with a brick is ALSO abusive. I'm seriously not making this up. This was the paper.

So I began to laugh. The idea that men need to sometimes be told what constitutes abuse is probably fairly accurate. I think some men may be misguided and do not realize how terrible the emotional or psychological abuse they put upon their spouses actually is. But does anyone, ever, really need to be told that smashing someone with a brick is abusive? Did someone somewhere think "well, I've done nothing wrong - I didn't use my knuckles or anything!" So I laughed. Because I was the only one in the class with the paper at that time, I looked like quite a jerk. The teacher, a rabid feminist herself, was less than pleased. I might go so far as to say she was furious. Once I showed her the sheet and explained why I could no longer control myself, she became even more enraged. Neither she nor my feminist classmate ever spoke to me again.

Well, today I saw the same thing in the Sun. Trust the Sun to sensationalize an incredibly stupid story...again. This time, they published a list of things that will get you arrested in the airport vs. things that will just get you a stiff warning. We all know you shouldn't say "bomb" or "gun" in the airport. But this list was GREAT! For example - "I don't have a bomb" - warning. "I do have a bomb" - arrest. "Hi, Jack" - warning. "I will take this airplane down in the name of Allah by using this blowtorch, I will do it over the Atlantic, and I will murder everyone on board" - arrest. "My gun misfired while hunting this weekend" - warning. "I am a terrorist bent on killing, using a gun, this gun, and I will be sitting in seat 24A until shortly after takeoff, at which point I will pull out this gun, murder everyone in my way, force my way into the cockpit, and murder the pilot, then I will take control of the airplane and crash it into Honest Stanley's Used Furniture Emporium in Kamloops" - arrest. Thank you Ottawa Sun. Once again you have shed some light onto a subject about which I had many questions. Well. Asked and answered!


  1. "Oooo, can I have one of your bon-bons?" - warning.
    "Oooo, can I suck one of your bon-bons?" - arrested.

    "Ok, you can pat me down my dear." - warning.
    "Ok, I want you...and you...and pat me down." - arrested.

    "Plastic covered knife, knives and forks." - warning.
    "Knitting Needles? You Terrorist!" - arrested.

    P.S. "George Bush is an asshole." There that will get the FBI looking into your blog and soon you will be arrested.

  2. Let's find out. I hate George Bush. I am starting a terrorist organization to take out such important targets as Jim Jacobs' petting zoo in Podunk Arkansas. Try to stop me! See you in 8-10, I'll send a postcard from Gitmo if I survive.