Thursday, July 12, 2007

Catherine Zeta Jones might be an absolute tool.

I would like to state, for the record, that about nine years ago I invented the ultimate pick-up line. In fact, it worked so well that I now hear people use it in bars around Ottawa. I would not use it any more, simply because too many people are trying it out, and it's guaranteed NOT to work if a girl has heard it at a previous social event. Here's how it works: You find a girl who is wearing something unusual, but girly. Like a skanky top, or a hippie hat, or a crazy pair of high heels. Almost every girl, in every bar, is wearing something that stands out. You walk by, and (delivery is key here) in an offhanded but fun way, say "I have the same pants!" and keep moving. This indicates to the girl that you are not really there to get IN those pants, but rather there to have a good time. And if she hangs out with you, she might have a good time as well. Also, the ball is now in her court to approach you. And perhaps she wants to do just that. After all, you're having a very good time, and she would like to have a very good time as well.

This works for a few reasons. First of all, it isn't cheesy. It's actually ridiculous. Of course I don't own a pair of neon green stilletto high-heels. Well, until I worked at CHEZ I didn't own a pair of neon green stilletto high heels. So it's not off-putting by virtue of it's creepiness. Like one of those "is your father a thief" lines that seem to work in movies. Secondly, it doesn't require you to stick around for the response. That means that no matter what that response is, you don't have to be there to deal with it. If her response is "weird. Well, never mind" then, no harm done. If her response is "that is pretty funny. this guy interests me", then she will come to YOU. Ideal. And thirdly, it allows for a follow-up conversation starter. Example: The girl comes over to you a little later and says "you're the guy with the same pants as me." And you say "yeah, I almost wore them tonight. Wouldn't that have been embarrassing." Or maybe "I should give you mine. They obviously look better on you." Again, delivery is key here.

This is something that applies only to us overweight and generally unsightly guys. You see, if you are muscular and attractive, then you don't really need anything else. All you need to know is how NOT to be a tool. (My buddy Dylan - very attractive. Girls would flock to him. But he was incapable of NOT being a tool, and he would usually leave disappointed.) You see, the reason Tom Cruise doing that incredibly painful singing-to-Kelly-McGillis thing worked in Top Gun was because he is Tom Cruise. He could have just walked up to her and said "Hi. I'm Tom Cruise. Can I park my pigskin bus in your tunatown?" And it would have worked just as well. Same goes for Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind. That pick up line would never work on anyone. Ever. Unless you look like Russell Crowe.

At least, this is what I thought until I read a story this morning about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Michael Douglas, I suppose, is very very rich and he is famous and a well-respected actor. But Tom Cruise or Russell Crowe or Brad Pitt he is not. Yet, apparently the line he used to pick up Zeta-Jones was "I want to father your children". THIS was his pick up line. This is as cheesy, if not even cheesier, than the "you've been running through my mind all day", or "let's get you out of those wet clothes" lines he may have delivered in a movie or two. Which means Catherine Zeta Jones fell for this lamest of all lines. Which means Catherine Zeta Jones, hot though she may be, Oscar-winning actress though she may undeservedly be, is an absolute idiot. She is dumber than a box of triscuits, and deserves flabby, wrinkly old Michael Douglas. Or maybe she's just a money-grubber. Or a giant fan of Romancing The Stone.

Who cares, really? Catherine Zeta Jones was incredibly hot when she burst onto the scene in that Antonio Banderas Zorro movie, but I have grown tired of her. no longer is she a valid reason to watch a movie. And - next time you hear someone say "I have the same shirt", just know I invented that. It was ALL ME!


  1. "To be honest I'm not really listening: I just want to find out if you're as much fun in bed as you are at work."

    Damn me if it didn't work.