Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Buying a house is freaky.

I have bought a house. I now have a committed girlfriend, a house, for all intents and purposes I have two kids, and it's freaky. The house is really great, it's in immaculate condition, it's got central air, a big backyard, and a finished basement. Those were my three requests. All I really cared about, I suppose. But there are tons of things I didn't know about buying a house. Things like lawyers and inspectors and so on and so forth. I have conducted most of my negotiations after golf tournaments and the like, so exhausted I can't see straight, fighting through a giant heat rash, and not caring about the process at all. They want me to pay eleven thousand more than I'm offering? Whatever, who cares. If I pay it, can I go to sleep?

There is one thing that is bothering me about the new house. It's on a corner, which is fine. It has a chain link fence around the backyard, which is fine. But it's in Kanata. That means I have officially moved to suburbia. And around a backyard patio, it has a white picket fence. I live in suburbia with a common-law wife and two kids and a white picket fence. All of this would be OK if it was not for the white picket fence. And the big problem I have is that I like the fence. It is necessary for the patio to function the way it does. So I have recently hit on a compromise, one which I won't inform the girlfriend about until I have done it. The very first thing I do when I move in in September is remove the pickets. The fence will stay. It is fine where it is. But I will take a chainsaw, or an axe, or whatever it is, and remove the picket portion off the top of each post. Somehow, this makes be believe that I have retained a small amount of independance from the culture of middle America.

I am also afraid that once I move in, I will begin to, without any input of my own, be forced to host parties where people play Pictionary and Cranium and Mad Gab and the like. I suspect that these events will creep up on me and will occur against my will, but I may well be powerless to stop them. I am further afraid that I will begin to enjoy Cranium, and after a few years of this, the parties will begin to be MY idea. I might then be inspired to put pickets back on my fence, put hardwood floors throughout my house, install a bidet and listen to Yanni. In an effort to stave off the pratfalls of suburbia, I plan to steal a bunch of car parts and scatter them in my front yard. I plan to put my small beer fridge in the backyard, and fill it with Labatt 50. I will do my best to get a picnic table in my front yard, and on hot summer days, I will sit shirtless on this picnic table, my feet dipped in a kiddie pool full of lukewarm water, and eat pop tarts, reading Guns and Ammo. Look out Kanata, here I come!

5 comments:

  1. I see in auto trader a beige Dodge Caravan which would be perfect for your new lifestyle. Oh and by the way, in Kanata you are only allowed to paint your fence white, just so you know, and the distance between the pickets is dictated by a bylaw, which is strictly enforced. I thought I'd mention that so you don't like, go all crazy and stuff with the renos. Plus for goodness sake wear a shirt or they call the cops. I have a new idea for a poll. How long will it be until Eric the Intern loses all vestiges of coolness and yells "you kids get off my goddamn lawn" for the first time?

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  2. Now you're just talking crazy, man. Seriously. I have to question your sanity -- LABATT 50?! Good god.

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  3. If you're going to be a suburbanite you need: http://www.trader.ca/powerpage/details.aspx?vlotid=1673129&adid=6078903


    Then you need: http://www.lrr.org/wiki/index.php

    Then you need:
    http://www.aigassurance.ca/fcp.asp?Ad_Id=WGOFCKWSB00E


    Dude: even woody's getting cooler than you.

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  4. Ow. WOODY is coller than me? WOODY? God, he only recently stopped driving a minivan...and he still uses a blackberry...at work today I was complaining to Steve, our music director, that some jerk pointed out a Dodge Caravan ad for me. I now realize that jerk was in fact Steve himself. No wonder he mocked me so thoroughly. I am moving further and further away from the rock and roll lifestyle I have cultivated for so long. Well, I'll show you guys! I am gonna get SO drunk at Bob Dylan tonight...if it's OK with the girlfriend...

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  5. Ahhh.. welcome to the life that is called hell.. here's you minivan, white picket fence, annoying neighbours who keep popping their heads over your fence, and you are not allowed to shoot at them, because, technically, thats against the law (which law is that anyways). sooo.. welcome to suburbia ;)

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