Friday, March 2, 2007

I love Van Halen.

I love Van Halen. Not their music. Although I admire Eddie Van Halen's out-of-this-world ability, I have always felt that musically and lyrically, Van Halen the band are only slightly more significant than Poison and Ratt.

No, I love Van Halen the way I love This Is Spinal Tap. A recent history of the band shows: They are to be inducted into the Hall of Fame March 12th. So they get together. They think they might like playing again, now with David Lee Roth. Bass player Michael Anthony is playing in Sammy Hagar's band. Van Halen says you can't be in two bands at once. (Eric Clapton, I suppose, being the exception that proves this rule.) So they fire Anthony and replace him with Eddie's 15-year-old son Wolfgang.

They can't start to tour until Wolfgang's school year is over, but an announcement is made that a 40-city tour is on the horizon. This announcement is made by Eddie's girlfriend and publicist, a former porn actress who is now his manager. The announcement is later recanted, since the tour was never discussed with David Lee Roth. Or anyone else.

The tour was ostensibly to support the release of a new Greatest Hits album. Van Halen obviously need a new greatest hits CD, since the five they currently have out are not representative enough. Now the release of that CD has been delayed. Either because the tour isn't happening right away, and they want to wait for that to happen, or because the band is fighting over it.

The band says they have not talked about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame ceremony yet, so they have no idea what will happen at that event. It's two weeks away. So they decide to talk about it. sammy Hagar says he's willing to share the stage with Roth if need be. Roth says "go to hell, Hagar. Not happening.", maybe not in those exact words. The band fights.

This is all within the last month. As things stand right now, the tour's on hold. The album is on hold. And there's a good chance that nobody from the band will actually attend the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. Nobody! And it's definite that even if some of the members DO attend, they will definitely not play.

Velvet Revolver have been chosen to play in place of Van Halen, and Slash and Scott Weiland will also speak on the behalf of the VH boys. So, really, there's no need for them to show up. If they do, they won't be saying anything or doing anything. Which is likely what will happen for the next year or so concerning the tour and the album. They won't be saying anything or doing anything. Go Van Halen! there's a fine line between clever and stupid!


  1. Perhaps there should be a contest to see what happens first: the new GNR CD hits the shelf, or VH goes on tour.

    I think we have a better chance of a Pink Floyd reunion tour.

  2. ((tossing eric a beer))

    just seen yur ASSpiration video...
    What an Artist !!

  3. True...I AM quite an artist. And I think that there may well be a better chance of the Jimi Hendrix Experience reuniting than of Chinese Democracy EVER hitting the shelves.

  4. Kudos on the ASSpirations. Well done!

  5. Got all of the codes
    oh yeah baby point me UP....
    Hey T&C.
    nice to see ya,,,
    Ready for some R&R....

    These weekends are a Treat and should be more often,,love CHEZ

    @eric,,,Do you know if their should be any other rock &bowl nights available in the draws in the near futur?

  6. I have no idea...there may well be, we'll see if Walkley is interested. It certainly won't happen in the next couple of weeks - until Toys For Boys is over, I'm too busy to do any.