Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I'm in trouble again...

I enjoy my movies. I enjoy reviewing those movies. Much as I enjoy music, and calling that as I see it. But I have received a fair amount of flak (not just from the boss - from PEOPLE as well!) over my latest review, of The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan. That movie sucked. It was boring as hell. I suggested that this was perhaps because Jennifer Aniston was boring as hell. And I further suggested that U2 was equally boring. As a band.

Cue the backlash. Apparently, U2 is not only the greatest band in the history of the world, but in some cases there were those who suggested that Bono was in fact the second most important human being ever to be born. After Jesus. Or Buddha. Or Haile Selassie. Or Tom Cruise. Or Gandhi. No one was very specific.

Although I recognize the fact that U2 are excellent musicians and songwriters, and in point of fact I think their songs are, for the most part, very good, I can't listen to two U2 songs in a row, or I may fall asleep. Are they as boring as Coldplay? No. (Come to think of it, I should have said Coldplay. Jennifer Aniston is without question the Coldplay of movies.) But they are more boring than Nickelback.

That may not technically be true. But when Nickelback is on, and I can't do anything about it, (ie: I'm in a record store, or in some jerk's car) I can't function until the song is off. I can't think about anything else, I can't hold a conversation, I am consumed with my hatred of Nickelback. This makes them less boring than U2, because U2 can easily be ignored. Nickelback will never put me to sleep. They will put me into a rage. Nickelback is the Fran Drescher of music. She sucks, but when she's around, you can't ignore her.

So...for those of you who may be listening to cynical cinema, and might take exception to a band that I happen to either mildly dislike or hate with the white-hot fire of a thousand suns, here is a short list of bands that suck, and that I might mock. If this will enrage you, send me an email, and I will make fun of you. The list;

Our Lady Peace
Celine Dion
Depeche Mode
Duran Duran
Motley Crue
Justin Timberlake
The Spice Girls
Yngwie Malmsteen
P. Diddy
Jennifer Lopez

Keep in mind, these are just bands that suck. There are others that mildly irritate me in certain ways, that I might touch on as well. Van Halen, AC/DC, U2, John Lennon. Don't misconstrue my contempt for certain things. For the most part, I respect and even like these artists a little. But something about them is obnoxious - Van Halen is too high on themselves, AC/DC have only written six songs in their lives, but they have put them out two hundred times each, U2 are politically obnoxious, and John Lennon, despite his brilliance, is the most pretentious artist in history.

Go ahead, complain now, because all these artists will soon be coming to cynical cinema!


  1. You were right. U2 and John Lennon DO suck. So do The Beatles. And Neil Young. And Bruce Springsteen. I give them all the lowest rating on every VIP Music Survey in hopes that they'll never be played again. :)

    AC/DC may have only written 6 songs in their career, but ya gotta give them some credit -- that's 5 more than Nickelback. :)

  2. Duran Duran? Are you serious? They're the greatest...hey doc give me more pills.

  3. Rush has more talent then every band listed in that list combined.

  4. The Beatles do not suck. This is wrong. Neil Young and Springsteen also do not suck. But Duran Duran and Rush certainly do. Rush, you see, has an enormous amount of talent. This is true. however, they use that talent for evil rather than good. Just because Lifeson's a great guitar player, and Peart is one of the top five drummers in rock, and Geddy Lee can play a mean bass, does not mean that Rush adds up to anything more than the sum of their parts. They are so tight as to be sterile, and they seem to think that playing their instruments really well is good enough. Therefore, they have no soul, and might as well play in an orchestra. And who the hell let Geddy Lee sing? The most talented musician in the world might actually be Yanni, but who wants to listen to that?

  5. And you are right. AC/DC has (I would actually say 6 more songs than Nickelback - Nickelback have yet to write one of their own songs), and I would take any one of those six songs over Nickelback. Come to think of it, I would take herpes over Nickelback.

  6. How can you say that Neil Young doesn't suck, but question who let Geddy sing? Neil Young sounds like two cats mating. :)

    Bruce Springsteen sounds like a depressed and suicidal country music reject.

    As for the Beatles... they're just boring. Yeh, yeh, yeh.

  7. You know what. I get a kick out of people who feel that by nagging at someone over their opinions, they somehow take the notion that they can change your opinion with this.

    I couldn't care less who you dislike or like. It's your opinion and you have a right to it. Just like i can't stand the Beatles or Triumph or Pink Floyd. I'll listen to their tuneage if i have to, but i won't do so if i have to.

    Just because you have your opinions publicly stated, does not give others the right to complain. Bunch of Wanka's. Stick with your views. I know I do.

    All i can say is that i am Glad you put Bruce up there where he belongs :).

  8. Who's complaining? We're all just stating our personal opinions. :)

    I don't expect anyone to change their mind because I express my likes or dislikes. In fact, if they did change their mind, I'd think less of them. They're weak. :)

    This is coming from someone who likes Twisted Sister. They're clearly NOT the best band out there. But I like them. Always have. And I could care less whether anyone else does.


  9. Eric, yes, Geddy's voice is less then perfect, but you've got nothing on their instrumentals, you just said they all play amazing, YYZ, Leave that Thing Alone, La Villa Strangiato...

  10. Sorry Scott, most of us don't take notice to cats mating, let along remember the sound, could you elaborate?

  11. I want to win the Heaven and Hell tickets!!!!
    Dio does NOT suck ,,
    but when they do ,,they 'r probably awsom at it))

  12. If you live in a neighbourhood where cats roam free, you can hear them at night. That and fighting. If it sounds like a baby crying, they're fighting. If it sounds like Neil Young, they're mating. It's that simple. :)

  13. I still remember the days when CHEZ refused to play AC/DC.

  14. Were those the days when they played Supertramp every third or fourth song? :)

    The best CHEZ has ever been was back in the old "PowerChords" days, with Jim Hurcomb. :P

  15. Hi Scott. Thanks a lot for the comment on my "Powerchords" show. That was the most fun I've ever had in radio because the show meant something to the listeners. I'm still doing some radio. I host a show called "Middle-Aged, Bald Guys" sunday nights on CFRA. It's not metal, but we have carte blanche to play whatever music we like and I like to think it's a pretty cool show.