Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Celery is out to get me.

I have noticed, in my house, a massive amount of celery has somehow made its way into my fridge. Normally, food I don't like passes by me unnoticed. Like brussels sprouts or corn. But celery is a different vegetable.

Many years ago, I did a science fair project in high school to figure out what the most dangerous food was. Chocolate, McDonalds hamburgers, Cheeze Whiz? Nope. My good friend Marc Laliberte let me in on a little-known secret that both opened my eyes and helped me fail the science fair. Celery is the most dangerous food known to man.

The nutritional value of celery is so low that you actually burn off more calories just chewing it than you actually get from eating it. Which seems like the thing to do for the dieters of the world. But think about this. That means that if you were to eat nothing but McDonalds, like that Morgan Spurlock guy did in Super Size Me, you would get fat, gross, smelly and have serious health problems. But you would LIVE.

If you ate nothing at all, you would slowly die from lack of nutrition. You would starve to death. But if you ate nothing but celery, you would actually die FASTER than if you ate nothing at all. You would be burning precious calories just ingesting the stuff, and that would speed up the process of starving to death.

All this would be forgivable if celery was delicious. But it is not. In fact, celery is tasteless and bland, verging on unpleasant, and it has that stringy texture that makes it fun to bite into, but difficult to chew and obnoxious to swallow. Why does this vegetable even exist? It leads me to believe that human beings were never supposed to eat celery at all, and it is the most harmful food you can have in your fridge.

Save yourselves! Throw out your celery! You're better off smoking cigarettes and drinking Jack Daniels for nutrition.


  1. I keep finding celery in our fridge as well. What's even worse is that more often than not, it's decaying in the veggie drawer. My wife keeps buying it, and then nobody eats it. With the exception of this past weekend. I made chili and chopped some up to throw in. (Non-decaying celery)

  2. and kids don't even enjoy it with cheese whiz on it either...

    Happy point collecting!!

  3. ((throwing out celery))

    ((lighting cigarette and having another JD shot))
    Celery exist so you could this mornin's subject and they look kinda like treesssssssssss((grin))

  4. @eric the intern

    do you know were the survey #37 went to???

    (( love Randall's comment and the one minute more))

  5. No idea where Survey #37 went. Vanished into the wild blue yonder, I suppose. Never to be seen or heard from again. Stay tuned for survey #44. I suspect my celery may well end up decaying and dead, although it seems to be cut up into small pieces so as to appeal to my laziness when it comes to making food on my own...I love Randall's comment too. I especially love it when people rant back, like they did this morning, and get really angry about a fluffy subject like "remember Ottawa when..." that's always great.

  6. My kids like celery with cheese whiz on it. Other than chopped into chilli, that's the ONLY way they'll eat it.

    Survey #37 must have been about celery. Since Eric already took care of that in his blog, it was removed.

    What other reason could there possibly be?