Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Things I did today...

OK, I'll come clean. The reason I write so much blog stuff is that it gives me something to do while my girlfriend watches crappy TV. I can say "no baby, I can't sit and watch The Notebook with you, I HAVE to write a blog". Here is a list of things I've avoided today:

1. Dr. Phil. This is a show where a fat bald pompous ass pontificates about subject matter that is basically Jerry Springer stuff dressed in a suit. Everything that comes out of Dr. Phil's mouth is just common sense, wrapped in a Southern accent and delivered through a mustache. Garbage.

2. Montel Williams. This man is the whitest man on television, but no one has told him. When African-American guests are on the show, he talks to them in ebonics. When preppy caucasian guests appear, he talks to them like he's Ned Flanders. And he never lets anyone finish their stories! He'll interrupt with information, then wait for the person telling the story to correct him. Fakest TV show host South of Ben Mulroney.

3. Maury Povich. Thank God for paternity tests and women who sleep around! Otherwise, Maury would be known only as Connie Chung's ugly-ass husband. There's something exciting about watching a girl parade eleven guys out onto a talk show, testing them all, and NONE of them is the father of her baby? Excellent. Actually, we've tested the baby's DNA, and it turns out the father is...a German Shepherd. But even better are the "is it a woman, is it a man?" shows. Only Maury can take a full hour to do what should really be a six-minute segment.

4. Tyra Banks. This is the worst show on all of television. And Ben Mulroney hosts TWO shows! Tyra Banks is no longer hot to me. I WOULD in fact turn down sex from Tyra Banks if it meant that I was allowed to step on her neck. The most self-aggrandizing, obnoxious host on TV. And the shows are about pretty well nothing at all. Nothing. A girl wants to keep her boyfriend. Fat people are also nice sometimes. This other girl really likes pizza. That's NOT INTERESTING! And not only is she egomaniacal and phony, she's also dumber than toothpaste. And not regular toothpaste either. You remember the sparkly kind that came in stand-up tubes and tasted like bubblegum for the kids? Yep. Dumber than that.

This is what I put up with from 3:00 on. And Doc wonders why I blog.

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