Friday, January 12, 2007

Half-assed: The Masterpiece.

I am now a qualified artist. Many months ago, I applied for a government grant for arts. They said I needed a portfolio first. They also said I would hear if I had my money within 3-5 months. It has been six. I haven't heard. But now I have a portfolio, and it's all thanks to my giant ass.

Creating a masterpiece with one's butt is more difficult than it seems. It requires a vision, pinpoint control, and an understanding of the blending of colours. Blending, because when your behind is as big as mine is, blending will naturally take place, and you must be prepared.

Randall called my work "minimalist". Not because he understands art, but because he saw how little effort I put into it. Ted called it "half-assed". That was more accurate, and it clearly fit the whole scenario, so that was what the painting was named. "Half assed: the Masterpiece". OK. I added "masterpiece".

In the end, the painting of the picture was not the best part of the day. The best part was the look on Randall's face as he struggled through the news while I prepared myself for the art project by cramming a thong up my back bits and cramming my front bits into the thong. No matter how "king size" a thong is, it is NOT built for men. As I popped out, again and again, Randall didn't turtle, he held his chin high, he took one for the team and made it through the news, one story at a time, before he gagged and ran out of the room.

All in the name of art.

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