Monday, January 29, 2007

The Conservatives are copying me.

Damn Conservatives. Stupid Stephen Harper. Can't come up with ideas of their own, now they have to steal mine. Attack ads are MY idea. And maybe the Republicans as well. But pointless, random attack ads have been, until now, exclusively my domain.

I found out this morning that Harper's Conservatives are revealing their attack ad campaign against Stephane Dion. Was an election called and I wasn't informed? No! It turns out that making attack ads at election time is de rigeur, it's expected. To truly surprise the the masses, the best plan is apparently to spring attack ads on the public when they are not expecting them. Like February. Or a Wednesday.

The best way to throw a surprise birthday party, after all, is to throw the party two months before the actual date of the birthday. Ergo...the best attack ad is one done three years before the election. Surprise!

I guess the idea is that this way, people won't clamor for the election, since Harper believes one will be counter-productive and merely preserve the status quo. Which is fine. But how can this campaign aid the cause? First of all, Canadians historically dislike attack ads, and do not respond well to them. Apparently Michael Ignatieff and Ken Dryden, of all people, will figure prominently in this campaign, with footage from the Liberal leadership race where they questioned Dion's environmental record and leadership skills, among other things. Boring!

If you're really going to copy me, to follow in my footsteps, really ATTACK! Say that Dion runs a puppy mill. Dig up pictures of him with an underage hooker in Thailand, or selling crystal meth on the street. Attack ads can't be half-assed! Use the whole ass and go all out! "Dion isn't a good leader." Boring! "Dion caught with goat at Experimental Farm." Now THAT's interesting.

And here's the worst part. The ads will debut during the SUPER BOWL! Not only is the perception that Super Bowl ad time costs 75 million bucks for each ten seconds, but no one wants to see political stuff going on while they sit down with beer and chili to watch the game. Of course, in Canada, Super Bowl ad time is no different than regular ad time...I think. But if taxpayers are going to think that you, the government, spent 100 million dollars of their money to attack your opponent at an unnecessary time in a really lame-ass way, they probably won't like it.

Hey Harper. If you REALLY want to copy me, go swim with some sharks!

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