Friday, December 15, 2006


I have lost. The leadership race went to Carly in a triumph of sex over slander. Which is fine. Sex can be better than slander. But despite what Kim Mitchell would have you believe, soda can NOT be better than slander. I have saved Carly's "just in case" concession speech to me, which she pre-recorded in the event that I managed to win. In the end, it just means that she will have to do the work associated with being "Commander in Chief", and I will not have to adhere to such a busy schedule. This campaign has taken a lot out of me, but not nearly as much as the phone call I had to make congratulating Carly on her win. That took a lot of effort. I'm taking Monday off.

Debate aftermath

Now our debate is over, and so is the voting. Until the show begins today, I will have no idea who has taken the leadership race. I feel in yesterday's debate, there was no clear winner as such. I do think, however, that there was a clear loser, and it was Carly. Randall and I held our own, and since Randall doesn't want the job, I think that made me the front-runner going into the voting. The one thing that might work against me is that Carly had a full three hours yesterday afternoon to plead her case before the nation, whereas my input had disappeared as soon as the debate was done. We'll see. I'm going to go ahead and assume Doc won't release the results of this leadership race until about 7:40 or so, but I'm reasonably confident that I will take the crown in the end.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Debate today

It's just hours before the big debate to decide the future of our Platinum Nation. Randall Moore is back, having taken yesterday off sick. That way he didn't have to come up with a platform, or make a stance in any way. Which is fine, he clearly doesn't want to do so. But he will be foreced (I can only assume) to take a stance of some kind this morning when the debate begins at 8:15. I'm reasonably confident in my ability to take Carly down verbally, but Randall may prove to be more difficult if he chooses to participate.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Leadership race

Coming down to the wire now, we have precious few days left to come up with a decision. Randall is sticking to his "anyone but me" stance, although he has now named Leonard from Almonte as his running mate. Carly seems to have our producers in her back pocket, as her ad got aired but mine didn't. I have written some new attack ads. Here's hoping that within the coming days we will be airing spots deriding Carly's leg hair and Randall's fondness for prostitutes and his penchant for stealing from children.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Best phone calls ever

There have been a few phone calls I have loved in my time with the Doc and Woody show. One of the best was the man who called up, enraged at the traffic reports that mentioned his street. "If you mention my street in the traffic reports, people will start thinking it's a major thoroughfare, and they'll start using it all the time. You a**h***s!" That one was good...I also loved the one where we were talking about scientology, and how scientologists believe that people have "thetas", that can be plied to ensure that they are more calm and serene in their lives. A lady called up (who really sounded like a man) and lost her BRAIN on us, screaming about not talking about things we don't understand, then slammed down the phone. Having not yet learned to manipulate her thetas. Funny, but not as funny as the subsequent phone call from her husband "that wasn't a dude, man - that was my wife". Something no one else would ever have admitted.

But today's must be top five all-time. The parts we couldn't play on the air were even better than thos we did play on the air. Leonard from Almonte called in response to Randall's commentary about the family who were taking care of an orphaned deer only to have it taken away a few years later by our government ministry. Leonard wasn't just angry, he had a plan. If they were to come to his place, see, to try something like that, he would string 'em up to a tree, and slather their groin with honey so that bears could lick it off. He would open a bottle of rye, so that he could enjoy the show (Randall would enjoy it as well, he was sure). Then (the part that was not aired) he would find some female deer urine from one of the jugs he keeps around the house, and slather THAT all over their behinds, and let the bucks have their way with them. Then he would cut off their hands and spank them or something. Can't remember the rest. All this would be a fairly regular call from the nuts who listen to our show if Leonard didn't sound exactly like the Granny from Beverly Hillbillies.

The lesson here is don't take a wrong turn in the rural areas outside Ottawa. Before you know it, you might be tied to a tree having a three-way with wild animals while a drunken hillbilly drinks rye and watches from the rocking chair on his porch. Don't say I didn't warn you.

New campaign

I expect to find out Monday morning whether I've made the top three. Three candidates will be selected to run for the final leadership race, which culminates on Friday. The top three vote-getters from our original poll will face off in a no-holds-barred political arena until there is one man (or Carly) left standing. As of the last polls, Randall, Carly and I were the top three, although Doc was moving up with his platform of "I'll give you the things you already have". I think I'll have to ramp up the attack ads. I hope Doc makes it into the top three, because I have several ideas about how to attack his credibility and integrity.