Friday, December 8, 2006

Last Chance to vote - round one

I am going to go ahead and assume I will make it through toround two in this leadership race. Even if Carly and Randall make up some serious ground, it appears safe to say I will be in the top three who will make it into round two. Not that my led is insurmountable, just that the contenders behind Carly, Randall and myself have too much ground to make up.

I think the next order of business will be to garner support from those who are forced to drop out at the eleventh hour - Woody seems like the candidate I can most likely convince to throw his votes my way. I have not yet decided how to go about doing so. Perhaps I will promise him beer. That seesm to work. Or maybe a high-ranking position in my caucus. Or both. If I create a title that seems fancy enough, I believe he will jump at the offer. Minister in charge of internal development and public affairs? Minister of kicking ass and chewing gum?

It's a work in progress.

Thursday, December 7, 2006

Race is on

Now the race is in full swing. Woody created a nine-and-a-half minute campaign ad that was cut down to it's 20-second essence by Doc, stating that he will bump up the number of bonus points for Platinum members. Doc created a campaign by promising things that will already take place - bigger Doc and Woody bonus codes in the New Year, a chance to get a free car, and extra points for voting. All already taking place.

Jeff Brown's platform seems to be "Sens Suck", and Carly's is "I can make clever sexual innuendos". So far that has her leading in a big way. Mine is the only platform with integrity, being the "I hate everyone wh isn't me" platform. Randall is also showing some honesty and integrity, I must say, with his "don't vote for me I wouldn't touch this job with a ten foot pole" platform. Whatever. Vote Eric.

Mudslinging - one word or two?

It begins, the agressive campaigning. Carly has, in my view, stooped to the lowest common denominator - ie, Jeff - in coming up with a sleazy, tawdry, and I think reprehensible ad campaign that takes the platinum nation for suckers. She seems to think that making a "sexy" ad in a "sexy" voice is good enough to win over our nation. I give our nation credit for more intelligence, which is why I have chosen the attack ad-mud slinging route.

Yesterday, on the Jeff Brown and Carly show, they kicked things off by making a series of disparaging comments about me. They then invited Adam the Sales Weasel to come on and state his platform. But no one asked me to make an appearance. I had to call in and defend myself. It's difficult to do that when the deck is stacked against you. Jeff and Carly seemed to be forming an alliance based on an "anti-Eric" sentiment. Which is fine, but it leads me to believe that Jeff may be throwing in the towel soon and throwing his support behind Carly, which could really shift the balance of power. I suppose we'll find out soon enough, more of my ads begin running today.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006


MY campaign has begun. My attack ads are running. Well, some of them. Unfortunately, I was not allowed byt the "censors" to suggest that any of my opponents ran fetish websites with livestock, were descendants of Adolph Hitler, sold drugs to children or ate babies. I have re-worded them so they pass the "censors". I will now run on a platform whereby my first act as leader will be to abolish these "censors".

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Solving the homeless baby jar at a time

We mentioned the unused baby food again today. Of course, there had to be a listener who wanted us to donate this food for a worthy cause. Her idea was a homeless shelter. For all those homeless babies who are forced to subsist on spoiled milk from dumpsters. I think perhaps this will be the platform on which I run for Leader of the Nation within a Nation. Let's help the babies making it on their own without resorting to crime.

I have decided to embrace the leadership race and throw myself into it, full steam ahead. I think the best way to do this is through attack ads and negative campagining. I anticipated Randall would be the front-runner, but he is trying to get out of it and he says he does not want to win. I said the same originally, but my competitive spirit has been piqued. Now I believe Carly might be the horse to beat in this race. I may focus my negative campaign on her.

Other candidates have been chosen as well, and votes are being counted through the VIP club. Doc, Woody, Jeff Brown and Robin Harper are all in the running, as are Jeff Brown show mainstays Sean the Bus Driver and Billy Buckles. Last-minute entries are Adam the Sales Weasel and Gas Man, who hasn't made an appearance in some time. Although I like Adam best among all our sales people, I plan to pull no punches in my campaign to discredit him. Let the best man (or Carly) win!

Monday, December 4, 2006

Randall eats a pie

We found a pie this morning. A nice-looking, home-baked apple pie of unknown origin. Normally it would fall to me to sample any mystery baked goods around the studio, but I guess Randall was hungry. The pie, I will admit, made me nervous. Not because it was lying around and we didn't know why, but because there was a rather large, suspicious-looking hole in the top. A nice lady phoned to say she had left the pie for Robin Harper on Saturday. Robin then came in and said that he had forgotten to take it with him, but when he returned on Sunday, there was this mystery hole right in the top. Having seen American Pie, Doc and Woody and myself were understandably reticent when it came to tasting said pie, but Randall dove right in. He ate about half in four minutes. Doc later suggested that I should eat some too, since that's the kind of thing I do. I felt that it would be redundant, since we aldready had a guinea pig, and Randall hadn't gone blind, so all seemed fine. Doc is easily angered, however. He seems to think I am not as compliant as I once was, and he has planned something for me to do later this week, and if I refuse the assignment, whatever that may be, I will be fired. Apparently. Thanks Doc.