Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Hello neighbours

Just moved into a new house. My neighbours have always suspected I was some sort of a sexual deviant, now they seem to believe I'm a hardened criminal. I don't know how I'd rather be known. Before now, I used to come home, sit out on my porch, have a beer and smoke a cigarette. Which was fine except on those days when I was dressed as a french maid, or a belly dancer, or a hooker. Turns out the good people of Kanata find that off-putting somehow.

Today they disliked me on a different level, however, as I moved from one end of my parking lot to the other. That meant that I carried most of my stuff by myself. TVs, boxes of movies, CDs, and all those other things a criminal might snag in a break-and-enter. I could see countless old faces peering out from behind their curtains as I struggled across the parking lot carrying an assortment of boxes and furniture. I quickly realized - they actually think I'm stealing this stuff! As though a criminal would find his 11 a.m. burglary to be so successful that he had to make thirty-two trips to get all the stuff he wanted.

The strange looks I got and the strange looks I normally get when dressed as a stripper are nothing, however, to the bizarre looks I get when, as a 250-pound hairy man, I take my new toy poodle out for a walk. Which would just be fairly amusing in an emasculating sort of way if the poodle wasn't named "Muffin". Giving a dog a name like that should be punishable by fine. If people in Kanata can get fined for painting their garage door, building hockey rinks and hanging clothes outside, they should definitely be fined for naming a toy poodle "Muffin". There should also be fines for talking in a baby voice to your cat and leaving your Starbucks cup on the roof of your SUV as you drive away.

1 comment:

  1. Bahahahah!

    I did exactly the same thing in the Craig Henry area - Court 3 and Court 5 are across the street from each other. There were 6 sr. citizens who stared at me like I was a brazened thief stealing things in broad daylight.

    Balancing the couch on the top of my car took the cake....

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